Title: Rhapsody In Ass Major
Fandom: Dragon Age
Characters: Cormac Hawke ♂, Artemis Hawke ♂, Anton Hawke ♂, Bethany Hawke ♀, Carver Hawke ♂, Leandra Amell ♀, Gamlen Amell ♂, Anders ♂, Aveline ♀, Cullen ♂, Donnic ♂, Fenris ♂, Isabela ♀, Merrill ♀, Sebastian ♂, Varric ♂, Ella ♀, Jethann ♂, Keran ♂, Meredith Stannard ♀, Orana ♀, Orsino ♂, Raleigh Samson ♂, Serendipity ⚧, Tallis ♀, Varania ♀, Theron Mahariel ♂, Kallian Tabris ♀, Alim Surana ♂, Natia Brosca ♀, Nathaniel Howe ♂, Gytha ♀, Zevran Arainai ♂, Cassandra Pentaghast♀,
Rating: E (L3 N4 S4 V3 D1)
Warnings: Smiting, buggery, zero relationship skills, gesticulating with ham, gesticulating with dildoes, is everyone in this fic bisexual?, we did bad shit to canon, butts. did I mention butts? because butts., sass & class & ass, wow damn you can say that in Latin, non-explicit het, non-explicit femslash, terribly explicit slash
Notes: DA2 AU in which both Carver and Bethany survive, and there are three older Hawke siblings. And all of them are Purple. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll want to set Fenris on fire a couple times. Nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing, but they’ll do it anyway! At least people usually know who the fuck they’re doing… Except that one time. Starts cracky, but gets semi-serious, decently quickly. Never gets entirely serious, because hello, Purple Hawke does not ‘serious’. Or at least three of them don’t all at once. IT’S A GODDAMN ROMANCE. JUST READ IT.
"Why does everyone keep saying ‘ass’?" said either Anton or the pile of blankets in his shape.
(Fucking AO3 just deleted the 33 chapters of this that we posted in the last month. And now I’m posting it here, JUST IN CASE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. This master post will take on new chapters as I manage to post them, so it should stack up pretty quick over the next day or two.)
Update: This master post will include the entire series. Links to AO3 for the parts I didn’t have any part in writing.
The Care and Naming of Hawkes
The First Son
The Second Son
5+1: Brotherly Love
The Pranksters of Kinloch Hold
- An introduction of sorts…
- Blood and Blood Lotus
- An Interruption
- The Joy of Kissing
- A Visual Study of Lust
- The Wage(r)s of Sin
(Number Six goes here)
- The Year We Wanted to Forget
- A Matter of Coming and Going
Sorry About the Blood
Who Invented Summer?
Yet Another Thing We’re Not Talking About Sober
A Sleepless Night
5+1: Adventures in Cuisine Via Hawke
- The Delights of Orlais
- That’s Not How Food Works
- An Elfed-Up Decision
- A Broken Bottle Between Friends
- No Longer a Pudding
- Apples, at Last
The Stupid Mage and the Gorgeous Magical Unicorn
Not Riding That Pony
Rhapsody in Ass Major
PART I: THE DEEP ROADS
- The three brothers Hawke, and their ludicrous adventures in ass-grabbing good times.
- Drunken mayhem, loud sex, and Anton isn’t getting laid, which isn’t fair at all.
- The morning after the night before. Lots of hangovers. A bit of getting trapped in the Deep Roads.
- Getting out of the Deep Roads. The joy of being outside. Does anyone remember the last time we slept?
PART II: THE BALL
- The Ball! Also, Anton getting his mack on. Finally.
- Things get a little interesting. Fenris is displeased, Anders is catty, and Anton introduces his new Templar friend to the inside of the coat closet.
- The party downstairs continues, and Fenris learns that mages do have some uses.
- So, we heard you like smut… *coughs* Cullen gets laid! The threesome in the cellar becomes a foursome! Hot hilarity ensues in all cases!
- Jizz! On! Everything! Apparently we broke this in such a way that it’s the orgasm chapter. For everyone except Artemis, who came first.
- At last, the party comes to an end… More shenanigans to follow.
PART III: THE CLEANING OF THE CELLAR
- The cleaning of the cellar begins. You knew this was coming.
- A matter of keys. Signs of affection, among broody death elves. A distinct lack of Anders.
- Dick jokes. Anders is talented in the strangest ways. A semi-permanent installation of the cellar-apostate.
PART IV: THE WOOING OF ANTON HAWKE
- Cullen decides he needs more thinging in his life. Because things. And Anton. And things with Anton would be best. Thing. Yes.
- Some lovely, fluffy Anton/Cullen.
- Artemis makes a minor miscalculation. Fenris makes an actual mistake.
- Cullen meets Bethany at last!
- Anton and Cullen get creative with dessert, part 1.
- A great lot more licking.
PART V: INTRODUCING THE FLAGPOLE
- Artemis is not coping well, and has decided that ‘shitfaced on Anders’s floor’ is an appropriate state of being. Anders disagrees, at least with the shitfaced and on the floor parts.
- Artemis needs a bath. Fortunately for him, Anders is there to help with that.
- Anders had never been able to resist a pretty face for long. And Artemis really is the pretty one of the Hawke brothers.
- SUPER HAPPY FUNTIMES. By which I mean ‘smut’.
- The morning after. Anton goes to get Fenris to help him stab things, and Cormac congratulates Artemis.
PART VI: THE WOOING OF ANTON CONTINUES
- Cullen’s got ideas. Cullen’s got a plan. Anton’s… well… Anton.
- Oh, Anton. Get a grip… Not on that… Well… That works too…
- Cullen has nightmares. Cullen also has a tightly wound smite reflex. This building also contains Anders.
PART VII: LOOSE ENDS
- What was that about Anders and a death wish? a.k.a, the chapter where Anders hands Fenris his ass over Artemis.
- Just some pleasantly amusing fucking around at home…
- Bethany and Carver discover they have a cousin. ANDERS AND CULLEN HAVE A CIVILISED CONVERSATION! … Almost. Ish. NOBODY GETS KILLED.
PART VIII: LEARNING TO SHARE
- First, Anders gets very unlucky. Then Anders gets very lucky.
- Slightly awkward, but totally hot. Two Hawkes and Anders, making with the naked fun.
- YOU TWO ARE HOPELESS. HOPELESS! Poor Artie…
PART IX: CHATEAU HAINE (or, FUCK FUCKING ORLESIANS RIGHT IN THE SHITTING PISS-EARS)
- Chateau Haine! Fuck fucking Chateau Haine, right in its Orlesian ear.
- Fenris finally finds a use for Anders, then celebrates his victory with Tallis, while Artemis looks on in dismay.
- Tallis and Artemis get into trouble, get out of trouble, get into more trouble, and decide what kind of cake they’re getting after this.
- O HAY! It’s the end of this Orlesian nonsense!
PART X: LOOSE ENDS II
- Anders knows just how Cormac likes it, and Cormac likes it rough.
- FLUFF! AND! KITTENS! … and then some angst. (I swear Fenris gets his head out of his ass, soon. Honest.)
PART XI: ANOTHER BALL
- Another party! More excessive drunkenness! Cullen doesn’t spend it in a coat closet!
- The party continues! Artemis is much too drunk! Cormac is not nearly drunk enough for this! Anders suddenly wishes he was a lot more drunk! Cullen should maybe lay off the cordial!
- Artemis is drunk. Very, very drunk. So is Cullen. *coughs*
- Fenris finally gets his foot out of his mouth. Anton covers for his brother.
- Artemis and Fenris are ridiculously adorable. So are Cormac and Anders, if maybe a little more smutty and wicked.
PART X: THE PLOT CONTINUES
- Dissent. Anders does not take being threatened well. There are times Cormac really enjoys killing.
- Artemis moves in with Fenris. You may now cheer. Anders spots the problem.
- The Arishok has a certain fondness for Anton, so when the shit hits the fan, he summons his favourite Hawke to clean it up.
PART XI: ARTEMIS’S AFFECTIONS BECOME LESS AMBIGUOUS
- Artie asks Aveline for help with his relationship difficulties. She advises strongly in favour of new underwear. Exciting underwear.
- Fenris gets a look at Artie’s new exciting underwear. So does Cormac. Artemis is extremely drunk.
- Cormac finds himself awkwardly stuck in the room, while Artemis and Fenris get it on. Of course, being Cormac, he’s got opinions, and being drunk, he’s going to share.
- Artemis opens his mouth and starts the most awkward game of gay chicken in history.
- Fenris and Cormac just want to make Artemis happy. Artemis is a little too pleased to exercise this power.
PART XII: COMPLICATIONS FOR FENRIS
- Brotherly ribbing, with a side of slavers on the side of the mountain.
- Justice and Fenris actually agree on something, and Artemis gets to deliver that judgement.
- Three brothers, three moments. All of them fools.
- An interlude involving a ‘knob’. For Artie’s ‘staff’. *coughs*
PART XIII: DIFFICULTIES WITH DEMONS
- Carver’s got a giiiirlfriend, and no one is ever going to let him live it down. Oh, and there’s an elven apostate trapped in the fade.
- And then, everything went wrong.
- Confessions, dirty stories, and wholly unambiguous brotherly lust.
- Dear Fenris: Your head should not be among the things that go up your ass. Please see to that.
PART XIV: A SERIES OF MISFORTUNES
- A serial killer in Kirkwall. Conversations on the nature of magic and Kinloch Hold.
- Cormac is a sweetheart. Artemis, however, is kind of an asshole. This is not the way that’s supposed to work, I’m sure of it.
- Weaponised dog farts. Varric finds Bartrand. Abject mayhem all around.
- Another fantastic party. Anders plays even less nice than usual. Carver picks a memorable fight.
PART XV: LOSING AND WINNING
- A game of Wicked Grace goes horribly wrong, for Artemis. Fenris takes advantage of this turn of events, until Artemis turns the tables on him.
- Should I say it with flowers? The answer is always yes. More Wicked Grace. A conversation about Cormac’s… suggestion.
- Fenris and Anders were not expecting the evening’s entertainment to go quite like this. Artemis must remember to thank Orana for a table of the perfect height.
PART XVI: STRANGE REVELATIONS
- Missing Qunari, trouble in the Chantry, bad news followed by worse.
- An assortment of loose ends. Puns. Secrets. Templar problems.
- Sebastian’s got problems. Bethany’s willing to help him solve them. Demons. Why is it always demons?
- An end and two beginnings. All of this is unusual, even for Kirkwall.
PART XVII: THE BLOOD OF THE HAWKE
- Difficulties with dwarves and maybe with demons. Blood magic? Lyrium? How old is this place?
- More dwarves, lots of dwarves. Some unpleasant realisations about who and where.
- A staff is found. The Carta gives way to more interesting troubles.
- This day just kept improving, Anton thought.
- CORMAC NO. ANTON YES. ANTON NO. Also, Fenris is kind of a nerd.
- Anders slips. Cormac proves himself the master of bad decisions. The Hawke ass saves the day once more.
- Dinner and most of a necessary conversation, as well as a completely unnecessary conversation.
- Things progress from unpleasant to less pleasant than that. Artie solves problems. Anton’s the wrong colour. Carver is sick of all of you fucks and just wants to go home.
- A final decision about Corypheus. More bad news about Malcolm. Cormac makes an extremely bloody point.
- Death! Destruction! GIANT FIREBALLS! A demonstration of why mages are feared.
- Exeunt. On the road again.
- Meanwhile, back in Kirkwall… Sebastian is a blithering idiot. Cullen is dreadfully confused.
PART XVIII: ARTEMIS GETS LUCKY
- Cormac made a promise to Artemis. And he never goes back on his promises. (It’s about eight thousand words of hot Hawke-on-Hawke action. You’re welcome.)
- WHOSE GOAT IS THIS? WHY IS THERE A GOAT?
- Artemis has a brand new toy or, well, a slightly used one. Fenris is willing to try again, in light of their engagement.
PART XIX: WHITE LILIES
- White lilies at the door.
- The procession. A return to the estate. Sleep.
- Anton tries to remember how to exist. A funeral on the beach. Carver jumps to some terrible, but not inaccurate, conclusions.
PART XX: CONFUSING TIMES
- A delightful afternoon in the garden with Anton and Cullen.
- Carver learns his brother’s strangest secret. Anders teaches Fenris a new trick.
- Family is always so very complicated.
- A pleasure cruise. A not so pleasurable spot of delivering flowers.
- More goat. Anton’s got a bad plan. Aveline’s got a terrible plan. Maker forgive us all…
- Wicked Grace, now with the Knight-Captain, who has so very little to lose, but loses it so very well.
- A conclusion. A solution. A return.
- AVELINE NO. CORMAC NO. ANDRASTE’S FLAMING ASS, FENRIS! AVELINE YES.
PART XXI: THE GLORY OF THE HAWKE ASS
- Talk of another celebration. Cormac loses a bet to the wrong brother.
- Cormac continues to rattle. Things go from hard to difficult and back to hard.
- Cormac gets around to exactly what Artie’s been hoping for. But, Artie is merciless, all the same.
PART XXII: CORSET REQUIRED
- Anton is having a party. Cullen is having heart failure.
- Cullen is not entirely comfortable in this corset. The Hawkes, however, are undisturbed.
- Unexpected guests. Old… ‘friends’. Mayhem ensues.
- Aveline gets her toenails painted. Artemis avoids getting squished by a golem, for all the wrong reasons.
- Conversations on lyrium crafting. Cormac is surprisingly neither pale nor whiny.
- Artie’s in a bit of a state. Fenris solves this problem. ANTON NO.
- Mistakes and secrets. CULLEN NO.
- This is why we don’t pee on statues. Also, a crown of lime.
- Old wounds and unexpected pleasures. Fenris finds a use for magic.
- The best kind of sandwich is filled with a Hawke.
PART XXIII: INTERLUDE – THE BEGINNING OF THE END
- Isabela has a problem, and Anton’s determined to solve it, even if it means invoking Aveline’s displeasure.
- The relic has been found. Anton was really hoping things wouldn’t go that way, but he’s not surprised.
PART XXIV: ACTUAL ELVEN CULTURE
- Merrill asks for Bethany’s help with a certain magical piece of furniture that’s giving her a hard time. Mage party! Fenris is less than entirely amused with any of this.
- Up the mountain to retrieve the arulin’holm. Fenris becomes a little less fond of other elves, with every passing moment.
- A varterral, a great deal of grieving, a disagreement turned angry.
PART XXV: A FIRE IS BURNING IN KIRKWALL
- ‘Maker’s … I am not allowed to put an expletive in this sentence’: the Hawke-filled adventures of Ser Cullen Rutherford. PUT DOWN THE PEN, VARRIC!
- Some troubles with the Bone Pit. Cormac is not thrilled with any of this.
- Trouble in the mines. Nothing serious, just a few spiders! Maybe some undead…
- The end of one problem loops back to the beginning of another.
- Uh, yeah, we know it’s the event of the year and all, but who invited the Knight-Commander?
- The Hawkes find each other and go forth to take the keep.
- A duel to the death, with an unexpected twist. I’M SPARTACUS.
- Secrets, dirty secrets, and the Champion of Kirkwall.
- Artemis, and the art of being not dead.
PART XXVI: TOO MUCH ELVEN ‘CULTURE’
- A surprise visit from an old friend.
- Upside-down and stupid is a sign of affection among the Dalish. Or, you know, that’s just Mahariel.
- A particular enjoyment of elven culture, part the first.
- Artemis enjoys his favourite Dalish delight, and Theron is thrilled to be causing earthquakes again.
- Yet more applied elven culture.
- The aftermath of too much elven c…ulture.
- An assortment of family moments.
PART XXVII: ADVENTURES IN TEVINTER HISTORY
- An unexpected celebration to which no one was invited. Cullen still sucks at Wicked Grace.
- The beginning of an educational experience.
- More explorations of Tevinter history and commentary on some more personal history.
- Things go from Bethany to worse.
- This wasn’t what they’d meant to do at all, but it seemed foolish to stop, when they were already halfway through.
- Perhaps a little more awesome and a little less murder than Cormac and Artemis anticipated.
PART XXVIII: DECISIONS OF QUESTIONABLE MERIT
- The art of being Knight-Captain. A Cullen-centric interlude.
- Particular Hawkes might wish to become more particular about their choices of closets.
- This eluvian is pining for the fjords!
- An end to some difficulties.
PART XXIX: THE MERIT OF QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS (ANTON’S WEDDING)
- The night before the wedding, Anton throws a wild party.
- And this is why Anders doesn’t drink so much, any more…
- Anders is so far from okay, he couldn’t find it with a chart and a telescope.
- Not all the Rutherfords are as delightfully charming as Cullen and Mia.
- Observations on brothers and brotherhood.
- Isabela wins again. Oh, and Anton and Cullen get married.
- Sisters and bad ideas. Anders wishes Cullen wasn’t so okay with this proposition.
- A demonstration of magic. A demonstration of power. A demonstration of cheesy romance-novel sensibilities.
PART XXX: UNITS OF DISTANCE
- Fenris needs a favour from Anders.
- Fenris and Anders discover some unpleasant secrets.
- Cormac and Anders have an almost-serious conversation. Bethany finds something extremely disappointing in her wardrobe.
- Anders decides he’s actually serious. Cormac’s unsure about this whole thing, but if Anders wants it, he’ll do it.
- Anders isn’t quite himself. Cormac struggles to keep up.
- And everything falls apart… (And Cormac learns not to drink an entire pot of tea, before one of those potions.)
PART XXXI: DIVINE LOVE
- Cormac visits Artemis, in the aftermath, because who else knows panic like Artie knows panic?
- Artie asks for dirty stories, and Cormac’s all too pleased to tell some.
- A hot bath is the answer to so many things.
- Fenris comes home to two naked Hawkes in the guest room.
- Cormac is terribly broken, but Artemis loves him anyway.
- Yet more Hawkeward smut, and Fenris’s opinion on all of this.
PART XXXII: A TELLING OF TALES
- Cormac has questions he can’t ask Anders. He realises he can get at least some of the answers from Cullen, instead.
- Cormac admits to some things. Cullen tries very hard not to admit to anything.
- Cormac gets the answers he doesn’t want, but does need. Cullen still wishes he wasn’t having this conversation.
- More flowers. Some unfortunate presumptions. A happy ending, for Artemis, at least.
- Anders comes back to himself, and goes to Fenris for advice.
- Cormac and Anders sort things out. Mostly. Sort of.
PART XXXIII: FADE WHISPERS
- Merrill brings in some more help for her eluvian troubles. Carver is less than amused with this turn of events.
- Theron Mahariel, Dalish poet, saviour of the — what do you mean it still doesn’t work?
- Artemis decides to pretend he’s Anton, to get free drinks. Anders is the only sober member of this party, and Justice is getting a little too interested.
- Justice craves the taste of lyrium. Fenris is really not sure how to take this.
- The Hawkes give Justice bad ideas. Fenris is uncertain if he approves of these developments.
- Justice enjoys this little excursion into the abundant pleasures to be had of tasting lyrium, in certain ways. Cormac gets surprised, not entirely pleasantly.
- Things get a little less fantastically Hawkeward, for a little while, but no less smutty.
- A pile of half-dressed mages. Fenris observes.
- Cormac discovers a whole new kind of bad idea, and Artemis loves it. Fenris and Anders are substantially less thrilled.
PART XXXIV: DIFFERENCES IN PERSPECTIVE
- Anton is terribly amused. Then, Carver picks a fight that doesn’t go the way he meant.
- Anders to the rescue. Anton is pissed. Cormac doesn’t want to have to tell Artemis.
- Artemis is extremely displeased that he’s not allowed to solve this problem. Nonetheless, the problem gets solved, in ways that make Cullen nervous.
- Carver presents himself to Merrill, in the aftermath. Cormac tries to make peace with Aveline.
- Cullen asks advice of Goatilda. Anton has some ideas involving mirrors.
- The Knight-Captain takes on the Ass-Bandit. A duel of meatswords begins in earnest.
- Someday, Carver will learn to stop opening doors without knocking. That day is not today.
PART XXXV: THE TONGUE TANGO
- Preparations for another wedding.
- A game of Wicked Grace turns into a game of spin the bottle.
- Spin the bottle continues out into more interesting kisses.
- An unexpected arrival puts an end to the game.
- An awful lot of snogging.
PART XXXVI: A DAY AT THE SHORE
- Isabela decides it’s time for a beach party, because Anders is looking a little pale. Anders, however, protests that it is perfectly natural for him to be pale and this is a terrible idea.
- Isabela finally gets a look at Anders, shirtless.
- Anders is surprised by how quickly Cormac can wash and dry his hair. Artemis explains.
- That is not a colour people are supposed to be, Anders.
PART XXXVII: SETTING THE STAGE
- Fenris gets a letter he’s been waiting for. The Kirkwall Weekly Gazette publishes an unspeakable bit of fiction.
- Anton’s got to make a living somehow! Lord Dog plays cards with his ladyfriends and some unfortunate Orlesians.
- Carver discovers some interesting features of the garden. Unrelatedly, Artemis is offered a delightful wedding gift.
PART XXXVIII: DOWN IN THE UNDERGROUND
- Cullen is assigned an unusual task. Anders drags his favourite mages into the Undercity in search of a book.
- Yet more throwing Cormac at things that might be trapped!
- Demons. Why is it always demons?
- A variety of strange revelations, and a few statements of the obvious.
PART XXXIX: A ‘CULTURAL’ EVENT
- Fenris makes a foolish decision, in the name of love, and Anders is happy to help him do it.
- Bawdy ballads, bad ideas, and Anton attempting to make peace with Aveline.
- An exchange of swords.
- Supper, toasts, stories about the past. Sebastian is never allowed to get that drunk again.
- Jethann starts a friendly argument with Anton. The finer sensibilities of Anton’s relatives are the first victims.
- A good time was had by many, and not necessarily with the people they’d arrived with.
- Theron makes an ill-considered pass. Anton is amused. Artemis is not going to be able to stand up in the morning. Fenris wonders at the wisdom of his decisions.
- Bethany saves Cullen from a very elfy fate.
PART XL: A BEGINNING AND AN END
- Artie, stop tidying things into oblivion. You’re supposed to be getting married.
- Hawke wedding disasters, volume two. Fire and mayhem.
- And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for… We said there was a wedding in here, somewhere!
PART XLI: DIFFERENCES OF OPINION
- Fenris adjusts to being a brother-in-law. Tries out punching Cormac, as is the way in this family, when something goes wrong.
- Family dinners are always exciting, especially when the extended family’s invited
- Dinner, which gets worse, instead of better.
- Orsino starts some shit. Meredith objects. The Hawkes have never been very good at shutting up.
- Anton speaks well, but Elthina still has to come out and break things up.
PART XLII: THE DRAGONSLAYER
- Of magisters and Orlesians. A discussion of profits, with Varric.
- Cullen gets sent along on an expedition to the Bone Pit, in search of the demons and blood mages Meredith expects are responsible for the constant troubles in the area. Fortunately, the Hawkes already have business up there.
- There’s trouble in the mines. This is not the day Cullen wanted to have.
- A great lot of stabbing and some very unusual magic. Perhaps not the best day to be a dragon.
- Magical theory and the art of disassembling a dragon.
- The carving of a great deal of meat. Dragon meat.
- A conversation with Hubert. Also, the beginnings of a celebration.
- Anton is not nearly drunk enough for this bullshit.
- The Gazette is full of dragon stories, this week. Even Page Six.
PART XLIII: BAD NEWS
- Varric comes bearing news for Fenris. This news goes over rather like a lead brick.
- It’s whiskey-serious and it’s before noon. Fenris has a favour to ask.
- Opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one, and some of them are more foul and dangerous than others.
PART XLIV: ANOTHER BLOODY MESS
- Cormac wakes up more dressed than he went to bed. And this is going to take keys to remove.
- Artemis finally gets to make his brother bleed for him.
- An end to this bloody mess, and then a visit to Isabela.
- Aveline’s troubles continue, this time with the Templars.
- The (consensual) return of the chastity belt!
- Cormac meets one of his brother’s new garden ornaments, and Artemis pleads to be pleased upon it. Fenris looks terribly smug about the whole ordeal, thus far.
- Artie does so delight in being tied down by his favourite teases.
- "Just a reminder of the sort of things your devotedly annoying older brother can do, when you’re tied up."
- As Artie remains a decorative fixture on the lawn furniture, Fenris demonstrates to Cormac the correct way to handle that situation.
- Artemis gets his happy ending. Again. Some more.
PART XLV: NOT JUST TUESDAYS
- Kirkwall: a love affair with crisis. Anton is on the job, whether he wants to be or not.
- Anton gets some help with his latest problem from the one mage he’s fairly sure can actually provide it. Justice attempts to object, but is brought around.
- Things do not go as well as either Anton or Anders hoped. Another Tuesday in Kirkwall.
- Anton’s troubled about the day he’s had, and Cullen interrupts his love affair with the tailings of a bottle, clearly not the first of the evening.
- Anton proves there’s at least one dragon he can fit between his thighs.
- Anton ventures forth to rescue another apostate. Hopefully. Anders learns things he never wanted to know about Carver.
- Things do not go as well as Anton hoped.
- Anton is, sadly, not done, however done he might wish to be right now. Fortunately, he has bottles to empty and companions to distress.
- Ladles and jellyspoons, Emile de Launcet.
PART XLVI: SUSPICIONS OF DRAGONS
- Anton reports to the Knight-Commander. Fenris loses a bet he shouldn’t have made.
- An earthquake against Andraste’s ankles.
- Word of the Maker’s wrath striking the Chantry has spread. Dwarves and dragons are suspected, in the aftermath.
- Anton’s quest for dragons in the undercity!
- Late-night, semi-serious conversation, in bed. Revelations, confessions, everything’s not all right, and it never will be, and that’s just fine.
PART XLVII: TROUBLE LIKE VINES
- Shenanigans on the Knight-Captain’s desk. Aveline discovers she has a problem, but Anton’s willing to help fix it.
- Aveline finds the source of her problem and solves it. With her sword.
- Cullen’s kindness and attention to the law finally comes back to bite him in the ass.
- Anton visits Aveline and eats a knuckle sandwich. Carver bursts in on something and receives the same reward.
- Varania tells Merrill her story. Merrill talks about Carver’s … ‘swording’. Carver is less than enthused.
- Carver attempts to impress the importance of family upon Fenris.
- Cullen gets a surprise visitor. Anton calls upon the Grand Cleric.
- Slutty Hawke and the Unexpected Whore: yet another game of Wicked Grace
- Cullen returns. All is not well.
- Cullen comes to his senses. Mostly. Sort of. Anton continues to hover and worry.
PART XLVIII: INTRICATE AND DELICATE
- Fenris has a favour to ask. Anders is a little less than entirely thrilled, but he’ll go with it.
- Clothing is somewhat complicated, then Anders makes himself useful.
- Anders is very good at that. And the other that. Justice is just happy because Fenris.
- A bit of a warm-up for what Artie actually intended to do with his evening.
- Artie gets what he wants. Anders is less than entirely enthused, but still enjoys the last of Artie’s lunatic whim. Fenris has no complaints.
PART XLIX: PLANS GONE AWRY
- Being a templar isn’t all defending the good people of Thedas, as Carver learns, the hard way, once again.
- Carver makes a very bloody point. Then it’s time to break the news to Anders.
- Anders has a plan. Varric has a very different plan.
- The latest in Kirkwall Murder Chic, now with a flying library.
- Things go from interesting to worse. The house stops throwing furniture and starts throwing larger things.
- Varric finds what he’s looking for. Fenris talks him out of keeping it.
- Cullen learns about bureaucratic magic. Anders has some concerns about Varric’s continued mental health.
PART L: ARRIVALS FROM AFAR
- Elthina has some concerns about a possible Exalted March. Bethany and Sebastian agree to meet with an agent of the Divine. Anders is delighted to be invited along.
- Politics, politics, and wild parties some people are sorry they missed, even as others are grateful.
- Sebastian tries to get the Grand Cleric out of Kirkwall. A shipment from Tevinter finally arrives.
- An abundance of elves move into a dilapidated, haunted estate. What could go wrong?
- Anders is nobody’s master, but none of them quite believe that.
- "Welcome to Kirkwall. I envy those of you who didn’t understand a word of that."
- Little elfy drool-beasts. One amused Hawke. One distressed Hawke. Fenris making spooked cat faces.
- Varania is reunited with her elflets. Cormac is there to make everything comedic and horrifying.
PART LI: SEX AND DEATH
- Herein begins a quest to find a certain elven assassin of certain notoriety.
- More elves, and the return of an ancient elven horror.
- Turning from the brutal dangers of ancient Elvhenan to the delightful dangers of Antiva.
- A great lot of trouble is made. Stabbing, and then offers of … stabbing.
- Isabela learns that one looks with one’s eyes and not with one’s hands. Fenris discovers Warden whiskey.
- A great lot of negotiating and awkwardness.
- Some more awkward humour. Zevran has knives. Cormac is thrilled with this plan.
- Isabela declares the situation a ‘festival of fuck’. Further pants are removed.
- Pain, pleasure, and uncomfortable realisations.
- The end of an evening, complete with terrible humour and a pile of tangled apostates.
PART LII: WRITTEN IN BLOOD
- Zevran leaves behind a gift. A rather … questionable gift.
- As expected, that’s not a treasure map, so much as a trouble map.
- The end of more undead and one very much alive.
- A time for changes and moving forward. Cullen’s allegiances are shifting. Varric has a need for literate and witty assistants.
PART LIII: NATHANIEL’S FOLLY
- The arrival of an unexpected cat and a beautiful woman bearing interesting news.
- Venturing down to the thaig no one ever wanted to see again, this time with more caution and a different dwarf.
- Catching up with Messere Howe and all the latest Warden gossip.
- Justice is late to this party. Natia has opinions about explosives. Messere Howe is just gonna look dismayed and roll with all of this.
- How many ogres can you fit in a thaig? Our correspondents investigate.
- To sleep, perchance to have nightmares and seek comfort from an old friend.
- Nate gets a sudden reminder of exactly how drunk he usually was, when things got this far. Anders takes a certain glee in rubbing those holes in his memory in his face.
- Fenris takes a dim view of the evening’s entertainments.
- Natia makes an offer. The Broody Death Elf objects to being so named. The Wardens finally finish with each other.
- Anders is not yet finished, but Nate is. The party moves a bit to the left.
- The next morning goes as mornings go. Mayhem, ripping on siblings, and punching Cormac in the face.
PART LIV: TROUBLE WITH TEMPLARS I
- Some friendly sparring in the garden.
- Another duel and an unexpected missive from within the Order.
- Troubles in the Order. Solutions by the guard.
PART LV: THE DEEPEST WELLS
- Fenris decides there’s a part of the past he needs to face. He turns to his sister for help.
- The sound of magic, and a desire to pursue the improbable.
- Stupid and dangerous adventures in magic and the Fade.
- More speculation, and very few conclusions.
PART LVI: TROUBLE WITH TEMPLARS II
- Ser Marlein strikes again.
- Yet more trouble with templars. Aveline is angry. Meredith is displeased.
- Somebody finally rides Isabela’s stallion.
- The stallion brings nothing but trouble…
- Meredith attempts to ‘reason’ with Seneschal Bran, regarding the templars being held in the Keep.
PART LVII: SHADES OF RED
- Trouble in paradise! Bandits in the dildo shop!
- Dicks, dicks, and more dicks. It’s a dildo shop, innit? Now with dickish dicks with extra dickery.
- It must be Tuesday, because we’ve got blood mages in Hightown.
PART LVIII: RESURGENCE OF ELVEN HISTORY
- Isabela brings Merrill a gift with a story behind it. Fenris tries to decipher a gift from his sister.
- Merrill’s still having trouble with the eluvian. Carver goes with her back up the mountain to see Marethari.
- A conversation with the Keeper that doesn’t go nearly as well as Merrill had hoped.
- Merrill discovers why the spirit has stopped speaking to her. Theron decides he liked not knowing about demons better.
- Theron tells an epic tale, and Paivel cleans up this mess.
PART LIX: AN UNUSUAL ALLIANCE
- Orsino intends to ask a favour of the Champion, and discovers that he and Bethany write for the same publications.
- Vicious guard cats, riots in the streets, and questionable uses for the Blooming Rose. And, you know, some mage/templar problems.
- Cormac finds himself in more trouble than he’d anticipated. Cullen discovers an unexpected twist to this ongoing adventure.
- The rescue begins. More revelations on the road. An unexpected addition to the day’s festivities.
- Demons, blood magic, Cormac is found, at last.
- Another note from the Scholar. Another binding disrupted.
- Anders is finally called upon to explain Justice. Cullen makes a decision.
PART LX: TWO FOR PAGE SIX
- A demonstration of why we are thanking Jethann. Later, Sebastian finds himself in Lowtown, with a mission and an uncomfortable situation.
- Sebastian realises what he’s been hearing and runs to Bethany, who is not nearly as offended as he expects.
- Artemis goes shopping for lacy underthings, and winds up with twice the entourage he actually brought along. Page Six continues to haunt our heroes.
PART LXI: THE PERILS OF PIRACY
- Isabela has some troubles, involving an Antivan pirate of some repute. Sebastian continues to have opinions about both Isabela and Page Six.
- A trap is set. Sebastian starts to wonder how he got talked into any of this.
- A deal gone sideways. Death, death, and trouble with the locals. Seneschal Bran would kill for an aspirin.
- Castillon meets his end. Carver opens his mouth, inserts his foot, and repeats with the other side.
PART LXII: A COMFORTING ILLUSION
- Fenris decides he’s rather interested in enjoying his mage’s staff. Artie decides it’s not the worst idea that’s happened in their bedroom.
- Fenris just can’t catch a break. A memory — the fear, horror, and confusion returns.
- Fenris finds some assistance, at last, in exactly the place he was looking for it.
- Artemis is very, very drunk. Fenris makes a decision about the nature of reality.
- Today we’ve got a lust for chowder.
- Fenris finishes the fight Cormac started. Later, Thrask discovers the incredible benefits of knocking.
- Another kidnapping on the Wounded Coast. Doesn’t anyone have any originality in this city?
- Anders is having an off day. Good thing Cormac’s there to solve this problem.
- Cormac has terrible ideas, but sometimes Anders likes them. Sometimes those ideas do not quite go according to plan.
- Magic and an understanding of motion. Then, a serious conversation.
- Merrill comes to terms with the changes in her life. Carver and Theron help.
PART LXIII: SAUSAGE PARTY
- Anton throws a sausage party, truly the event of the season, whatever Cullen might think of it.
- More fun with sausage jokes. Varania brings a date. Fenris is less than thrilled with any of these turns of events.
- Paivel annoys Sebastian. Certain parties sneak off to better enjoy the sausage privately.
- A brief dalliance. Hot Hawke-on-Hawke action, interrupted.
- Fenris and Anders enjoy a different sort of sausage, downstairs.
- Anton vs. Orlais. Fine elven craftsmanship. The introduction of Andrastian sausage. Varric to the rescue.
- Sebastian, no! Anton and Anders to the rescue. Natia has her eye on a particular brother.
- A sausage-filled demonstration of the flexibility of certain blue-glowing individuals.
- Artemis decides he has an even better idea. Fenris isn’t sure about it, but Anders is willing to give it a try.
- Fenris rediscovers the joy of being in bed with two mages, instead of just one.
- Conversations with Bethany, who knows and sees all things.
PART LXVI: THE INEVITABILITY OF DEMONS
- More delightful gifts from Tevinter.
- Ella learns Meredith’s next plan, and Cullen must make a decision. Anders makes a very different decision, and Cormac checks his plans for sense and reason.
- A mysterious and ancient door, where there has never been a door before.
- Tuesday in Kirkwall — demons, blood magic, and the Knight-Captain.
- Unfortunate discoveries, in the wake of demons. The Scholar is found, at last.
- Red lyrium, revolutionaries, and Cullen getting a little closer to Anders than he ever particularly meant to.
- Getting spoony over swording. Fantastic uses for whiskey and cream.
- More swording and spooning.
PART LXV: PREPARATIONS
- A holiday at the Bone Pit. No dragons, this time. Mostly.
- Dwarf boats, skeletons, and the raw power of the stone of eternal stench.
- Community reactions to an important announcement in the Kirkwall Gazette.
- Bethany has plans. They include mice, but not demons.
- Cullen is displeased with the latest Gazette headline. Anton, regrettably, admits to finding no further insight into the Bone Pit.
- In which Anton plays the damsel to Cullen’s villain, and a desk is misused.
- It is an extremely good thing that Anton’s desk is so sturdy, and that any Orlesians are on the other side of a locked door.
PART LXVI: HERE COMES THE WAR
- Meredith starts a war. Cullen prepares to end it.
- Preparations begin. Evacuations all around.
- Meredith strikes. Anders is done fucking around.
- Kirkwall watches the Chantry come down. Meredith’s wrath will not be subdued.
- The battle begins. Sebastian’s outrage continues. Assistance arrives from an unexpected direction.
- Cullen brings the fight inside, still trying to make less of a fight of it. More of Justice’s swording ensues.
- A brief reprieve from swording. The Tranquil are found, along with records of Meredith’s madness.
- The battle begins in earnest, one woman holding her own against many, secure in her arrogance.
- A first success! Anton has a very good idea.
- One statue becomes many statues. A change in tactics.
- Fenris is disappointed. Anton is a lunatic. Merrill is not doing so hot.
- The battle continues, and Cullen earns a scar that will stay with him a long while.
- The cleanup begins. Cormac gets punched a whole lot. Sebastian is entirely irritated by everything.
- Cullen tries to come to terms with being Knight-Commander. Sebastian makes an ass of himself. Cormac needs to sit down, now.
- Cullen and Anton speak to the mages.
- Carver and Merrill talk about the future. Sebastian continues to make an ass of himself.
- Anders checks on Fenris. Cullen brings word to the people of the changes soon to pass. Some mages decide not to stick around, after all.
Assing It Up: Three Years in Kirkwall
- After the Chantry comes down, the Hawkes are left to help Kirkwall recover, but without one of their own. The circle needs a new First Enchanter; the city needs a viscount and a grand cleric; the bulk of the population needs help rebuilding and repairing the damage from decades of neglect. And Sebastian returns to Starkhaven, to plot his revenge.
- The debates begin! Anton vs Madame Lusine.
- Concerns about the alienage, now that there are less obstacles to bettering conditions in Kirkwall.
- Cullen makes some decisions about the future of the Order, in Kirkwall. Merrill, Natia, and Artemis continue to discuss renovations to the alienage.
- Artemis receives a letter. The viscount election begins.
- A celebration of the election of the new Viscount of Kirkwall. Drunken meat jokes in abundance.
- Merrill and Anton change what it means to be an elf in Kirkwall. Anton and Cullen introduce the new First Enchanter.
- Letters from Starkhaven. A Nevarran visitor.
- A strange disappearance. Fenris is appreciated by the cats.
- Merrill moves back to the alienage. The eluvian continues to be difficult.
- Anton gets a letter he’s been waiting for. Cullen gives an explanation he’s been putting off.
- Checking in with our friends in the Anderfels. Also, introducing the Black Emporium.
- Cassandra finds herself disappointed, once again. These Hawkes are really getting on her nerves
- A meeting of the Noble Council of Kirkwall. The baroness is unimpressed. The viscount wants a potion for this headache.
- Theron tries to convince his clan to build on Sundermount. Cullen has a long talk with Carver about Merrill.
- Cullen and Cassandra have a chat about politics and the Grand Enchanter.
- Varric tries to write about elves. Learning about elven culture from Theron and Kalli might not be the best choice, though.
- Theron and Kalli continue to explain elven culture to Varric. And then someone gets punched in the face. Several someones.
- Carver has an opinion. Several of them, actually. Fenris and Artemis attempt to sympathise.
- "My older brother married murderous demon bait," or the trials of Carver Hawke.
- Seneschal Bran gets a very cranky letter from Starkhaven. Aveline and Cullen attempt to enjoy a business lunch.
- Shopping for gifts. More talk of phylacteries, and some talk of gentlemen in lacy underthings.
- Trouble is stirring in the Chantry. Cullen makes a decision to reach out to as many former Gallows mages as he can find, and he’s got just the man for the job.
- Theron has a birthday.
- Cake and a friendly duel.