[ Master Post ]
Title: Rhapsody in Ass Major – Chapter 204
Fandom: Dragon Age
Characters: Cormac Hawke ♂, Artemis Hawke ♂, Anton Hawke ♂, Bethany Hawke ♀, Carver Hawke ♂, Anders ♂, Cullen ♂, Fenris ♂, Isabela ♀, Merrill ♀, Varric ♂, Jethann ♂, Theron Mahariel ♂, Kallian Tabris ♀
Rating: T (L2 N2 S1 V0 D1)
Warnings: Put your pants on Anton!, Hawke-on-Hawke action, dick jokes
Notes: Jethann starts a friendly argument with Anton. The finer sensibilities of Anton’s relatives are the first victims.
"You think you can do better, Tony?" Jethann called out into the crowd, the grin on his face a challenge. He stopped in the middle of working his pants down his hips and walked to the edge of the table to tower over Anton.
They’d left the long table and the mess of dishes and moved the party into the main hall. Artemis booed when he realised the elf had stopped stripping, at least until Fenris pressed a fresh drink into his hand.
"Oh, I wouldn’t want to show you up, Jethann," Anton said.
"That’s it. Give me back my clothes and get up here, and we’ll see who’s better."
Carver returned from the bar to find his brother dancing on the table next to the elf, and his girlfriend cheering them both on.
Varric sat at a table a bit away from the revelry, taking notes. He caught Carver’s eye. "And at his brother’s bachelor party, too. Who’d have thunk it?"
"This is absurd. And disgusting," Carver protested, watching people choose sides of the table based on who they thought was better. He watched Bethany step over to Jethann’s side, eyebrow raised in interest, and still wearing a gown to make the Orlesians weep. Well, at least she hadn’t chosen Anton, he supposed.
The shirts came off, and Isabela caught Anton’s, cheering wildly, and stepping around to his side. After a moment, Merrill joined her, but Carver was too busy talking to Varric, to notice. Behind all of them, Cormac pulled Artemis aside.
"You can watch the pretty elf in a minute. In fact, in a few minutes, you can have the pretty elf." Cormac grinned, lopsidedly. "You remember the thing we talked about? And do you remember that wall that wasn’t, in Darktown? I arranged something, if you still want to go through with it."
Fenris drifted over to Jethann’s side of the table, with a smug look at Anton.
Artemis made an inquisitive noise around his drink, pulling his stare away from Jethann to look at his brother. It took him a moment to understand what Cormac meant, what Cormac was saying, but then he remembered that night with Cormac and Fenris, and his eyes widened. "That’s— you— you were serious?" He turned back to the table, this time to stare at Fenris. "He was serious?"
Anton was busy working his trousers down his hips, sliding them down one inch at a time, swaying seductively. Cullen applauded, and Carver gave him a flat look. Cullen cleared his throat and composed himself. "What? He’s my husband."
"Maybe I am adopted," Carver told Varric.
"If you didn’t look so much like your uncle, I might believe that," Varric replied, writing down another flowery description of the way Anton’s hips moved.
"There’s more of your family?" Cullen looked a little horrified, even as his eyes never left Anton. He figured he’d known that, but it hadn’t sunk in. The man certainly hadn’t been at their wedding.
"And at least two cousins, only one of which is his," Carver went on.
"No, I know one of your cousins," Cullen reminded him. "Solona. She’s not—"
"No, not her. The other one."
"It was his idea," Cormac admitted to Artemis. "He came to me and asked me if I thought you’d like it. And if I’d be willing to propose it to you. Which, I’m always glad of the excuse to propose things to you. Wait, no, I’m always glad of the opportunity to proposition you." He laughed. "But, yeah, we were serious. And Anders is here to make sure nobody breaks anything, so…"
Artemis tried to wrap his mind around that. Fenris, his Fenris, coming up with such an idea. Maker, he loved that elf. "Well, I’m in," he said, fingers fluttering over the drink in his hand. "I am about as ‘in’ as anybody could possibly be. But… how exactly are we doing this? I mean…" He shrugged awkwardly and leaned in even more. "Earthquakes? I’m not quite drunk enough for that to, er, not be an issue."
"I arranged the music — well, Anton arranged the music, but I suggested that you had a standing preference for drumming. Nobody’s going to notice. The floor will be shaking anyway." Cormac smiled slyly. "And it turns out you can see through those illusionary walls just fine, as long as you’re standing at the back of the rune. So you will be able to see everyone in the room, and only some of us will be able to see you." He pointed to a table tucked in the corner.
"You… Maker, you really thought this through, didn’t you?" And that was close, terribly close to the party, to all his friends and family. There were a million reasons why this was a terrible idea, but he trusted Cormac to take care of the details in a way he trusted no one else. Artie glanced back at the group as he headed for the appointed corner, but they were distracted by Jethann and Anton and — yes, there went Anton’s pants into the crowd. "I don’t suppose the wall could block out Anton’s dance routine?"
Anton reached for his smalls, and Carver called it quits. "I am not drunk enough for this," he announced. "I’m never going to be drunk enough for this. I never want to be drunk enough for this."
Cormac shrugged at Artemis. "Look at Jethann, instead. It’s not like you and I didn’t both get to ignore Anton’s bare ass for two years. Or if Jethann’s too close, check out Theron, who is very, very much not on our brother’s side of the table. I guess now that he’s figured out it’s not a shem thing, he’s done trying." He laughed and watched Carver trying to drag Merrill away from where she was following Isabela’s lead and whistling at Anton’s slowly-bared bottom.
"That is my brother!" Carver complained, tugging on Merrill’s arm.
"Of course he is! Why do you think I picked his side? He looks so much like you. Even more now that I can see all of him!" Merrill smiled up at Carver, simply pleased with the view.
"That’s…" Carver considered it for a moment. It was flattering, but that was still his brother. "We’re going home, and then you can look at me, instead of my stupid brother."
"Oh." Merrill patted Isabela on the shoulder. "I have to go. Carver wants to show off what a good sworder he is."
"That’s my girl," said Izzy. "Are you sure you don’t want to stay, Carver? We could put you up there too and see how you match up if you look so much like your brother."
"Definitely leaving." Carver tugged Merrill along by the hand.
"It’s not looking good for you, Jethann," Anton said, turning to give Isabela a full view of the legendary Hawke ass.
"That’s because you stacked the deck, Tony," Jethann tsked. "It’s your brother’s party. At least now we know who in this room has good taste!"
Fenris glanced back at Artemis, where he disappeared towards the back of the room. Over his drink, Theron gave him a knowing grin.
Anders stepped over to Jethann’s side, and after a moment Kalli joined him.
"I just don’t get the appeal of shem," she said, shaking her head and looking up at Jethann. "No offence, but you’re kind of gross and hairy, like the rest of your kind, and so’s he." She gestured at Anton.
"I’m pretty sure that’s the way it’s supposed to be." Anders shrugged. "Even if I’m a lot less hairy than you think I am. Theron and Artemis are the weird ones, not you. And really, I prefer looking at Anton, but I’m not standing over there, because that would just be more awkward than anyone wants to deal with. And not just because of his brothers."
"Brothers? Not brother?" Kalli looked up at him.
"What can I say? I get around." Anders grinned.
Cormac stood inside the false wall with Artemis at his side. the runes were set in a table that had been flipped on its side, so that even if the runes failed, there would still be some cover. Possibly enough to dress behind, if no one looked over right away. But, Cormac wasn’t sure Artemis would be getting naked, knowing how many… interesting things he’d pretended not to see, over the years. "There’s the table." He pointed. "That’s the only spot you can be seen from. I checked and rechecked it with Jethann, this afternoon, while we were setting it up. But, no one else can see you. As far as they know, this wall is solid, between those pillars. And it is solid, if anyone knocks."
"So no one can see us right now?" Artemis set down his drink, jumped and flailed his arms just to be sure, but no one reacted, not even Theron, who was looking over their way. "And all this for me? You and Fenris are both daft." He smiled fondly and, checking again to make sure no one could see them, Artie pulled Cormac into a kiss. Even if no one could see them, Artemis still felt exposed in a way that should not have been so thrilling.
"All for you," Cormac breathed into the kiss. "Anything you want. Tell me. I’ll find a way. That’s why I’m here." He dove back into the kiss, hot and demanding, and then broke it, suddenly, turning Artemis to face the crowd and holding him from behind. "You’re to be married, tomorrow. Tonight, you can have anything you want. Everything you want. Because what Fenris and I want is to make you happy. And, you know, to fuck you until you can’t stand up, but that’s kind of secondary." He punctuated that last by grinding himself against Artie’s ass.
"Luckily, right now you can do both at the same time," Artemis said, lips quirked in a breathless smile. He still expected someone to look over and see them, but he didn’t pull away. Watching Jethann and the crowd around him, Artie arched back into his brother.
Theron had ended up with Jethann’s smalls on his head, and he wore them like a trophy, half looped over one ear. Kalli shook her head at her husband in exasperation.
"Still don’t see the appeal of shem?" Anders teased.
"You say like that I’ve never seen a shem with a pair of smalls over his head," she replied. "I grew up in Denerim. It was more common than you’d think."
"I’ve been to Denerim and I can verify this." Anders nodded. "In fact, depending on the year, I might have been one of those shem."
"If you tell me you were there in twenty-nine Dragon, I might have to knife you," Kalli said, with a thin smile. "That was the year my first wedding got ruined, by a bunch of filthy shem who thought they wanted panties on their heads, until they decided all they wanted was to be spared my blade."
"I was definitely not there for that. I was, er…" Anders coughed and looked up at Jethann. "I was actually staying at the Pearl, the last time I was in Denerim. No elf weddings there, I’m almost sad to say."
"Staying there? That must’ve been expensive. I hope it was worth the coin." She still looked like she might stab him.
"Expensive? Wha— no!" Anders tipped his head back and pressed a hand over his eyes. "No, not like that. I was there as a healer. After you clean up enough of what goes around in a place like that…" He left out the part where he’d spent some time on the other side of the transactions she’d assumed. If she didn’t hear it from Isabela, he wasn’t going to bring it up.
Kalli hummed, eyeing him as she tried to decide if she believed him. She was small, even for an elf, and she had to crane her neck back to look at him, but Anders still readied himself to run at the first indication of a stabbing. Being shorter just meant it was easier for her to stab him in his more precious bits.
"‘A place like that’," Kalli repeated wryly, glancing around. "I take it that’s how you know Jethann?"
Jethann, who was shaking his ass within groping distance. Theron cheered and applauded.
"That’s…" Anders laughed weakly. "I wouldn’t say that. Granted, I wouldn’t not say that either. In fact, I’m just going to stand here, saying nothing at all on the matter."
Kalli smirked. "I see."