[ Master Post ]
Title: Rhapsody in Ass Major – Chapter 358
Co-Conspirator: 
MaverikLoki
Fandom: Dragon Age
Characters: Cormac Hawke ♂, Artemis Hawke ♂, Anton Hawke ♂, Bethany Hawke ♀, Cullen ♂, Varric ♂, Anders ♂, Fenris ♂, Varania ♀, Natia Brosca ♀, Gytha ♀, Sebastian ♂
Rating: T (L2 N0 S0 V0 D1)
Warnings: Inappropriate sausage humour, codpieces, Sebastian is much too drunk for this party, more flagpole jokes
Notes: Sebastian, no! Anton and Anders to the rescue. Natia has her eye on a particular brother.
Oddly, it was Fenris's arrival that finally led Sebastian to take his sulking elsewhere — the reminder that he'd been flirting not only with a man, not only with his fiancée's brother, but with a married man, on top of everything else. Whatever scandalous argument was about to break out over the dwarf, Sebastian counted himself suddenly lucky not to have been the third man in.
"I was rescuing him from Choir Boy's sausage," Varric said. "Your husband seems to prefer mine." He somehow managed to say that with a straight face, holding another bit of sausage to Artie's lips. Docilely, Artie took it between his teeth while giving Fenris a tired look and a shrug of his shoulders.
"Choir Boy?" Anders stuttered out. He looked, but Sebastian was at Bethany's side again, an arm around her waist and his back to the dwarf acting as a mage's chair. He pointed. "That Choir Boy? I didn't know there was a sausage to speak of, behind Andraste's face."
"M'not entirely sure that happened," Artemis said, and Fenris frowned, recognising the drunken slur in his voice. "M'not entirely sure what happened." With a bit of flailing, Artie managed to swing himself off of Varric's lap, and Fenris helped steady him. "But yes, that Choir Boy. And Varric's sausage is better."
Varric grinned, offering a bite to Fenris, who politely declined. "See? And this from a sausage connoisseur. Dwarf sausage is better, he says!"
"I'm pretty sure that Choir Boy was attempting to introduce my little brother to some Andrastian sausage. Varric was the best choice for a rescue, for obvious reasons. I mean, I'd have slung Artie over my shoulder and carried him off, but the Orlesians might've gotten a little warm about that," Cormac sighed, shrugging. "So, we added another good-looking dwarf to the ensemble of good-looking dwarves. And the ladies are very much into the Fereldan onion sausage." He paused and pointed to the table. "Actual sausage. Right there. You should try some. It's really good."
"Oh, I'm sure I'll get my fill of Fereldan sausage later tonight," Anders joked, with a sly grin.
"Provided you haven't filled up on Tevinter sausage first," Gytha whispered loudly.
"Oh, if we're talking about filling, I don't think it gets more filling than the ungodly chorizo of the Anderfels." Natia hid a smile behind her glass.
Varric looked at the ladies beside him. "Why do I feel like I just learned much more about Blondie than I ever needed to know?"
"I decline to comment." Cormac demurred, and Anders turned a bit pink around the edges.
Artie raised his hand. "I'll comment!"
"No, you won't," Fenris sighed, popping one of the Fereldan onion sausages into Artie's mouth. He finally noted the bottle in Artie's hand and borrowed it for a long drink while his husband chewed. "I can't leave you alone for a minute, can I, Amatus?" he teased, kissing Artemis's cheek.
"Ha. Yes, there's… there's a funny story about that," Artemis said, voice high with a nervous laugh. "I'll tell you later." Artie shut himself up with another drink straight from the bottle.
Fenris shot Cormac a questioning look, having no doubt in his mind that Cormac either was involved or had witnessed whatever happened.
Cormac rubbed his forehead and shrugged at Fenris. It wasn't really a discussion for right now, in public.
Fenris sighed and eased the bottle away from Artemis, again, handing it to Anders, who promptly finished it.
"I needed a drink. I needed about six drinks." Anders shook his head. "Choir Boy's actually acknowledging he's got a knob? The end is near." He grinned. "Whether that's the end of the world or the end of him depends on Bethany, I think. Shall I go tell her, and then we can watch the fireworks?"
"Pretty sure she already knows, after the looks she was giving us." Varric smirked and stood. "But, I feel like I should step away, before anyone starts making unfounded assumptions about my part in any of this. Tell your brother he's got excellent taste in sausage." With a wink at Cormac, Varric made his way back into the crowd.
The ring of a spoon against a wine glass pierced the hall's clamour. All faces turned in Sebastian's direction, masked or otherwise, as he raised his glass over his head. Next to him, Bethany's smile looked decidedly pained, and she whispered something to him that he waved off.
"Oh, this should be good," Gytha said out of the side of her mouth. She refilled drinks and passed out sausages to the group around her, as though they were standing around, watching a show.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" Sebastian said. The smile he gave the room was that of a politician, and in that moment, it was easier to believe that he was a prince of Starkhaven. At least until he swayed a bit. "I think we should take a moment to thank our illustrious hosts for such a splendid spread." He managed to only slur one 's' in that sentence. He raised his glass higher. "I would like to offer the Hawkes my deepest felicitations!" he proclaimed, blue eyes scanning the crowd until they found Artemis.
Artie blinked, eyes round, as Anders choked on the Fereldan sausage. He wheezed, and Fenris patted his back to help him spit it up.
"Your illustrious hosts thank you," Anton replied, making his way to the centre of the room, strutting and bowing, as Cullen followed in his wake. "The Knight-Captain and I hope you're all having as wonderful a time as Brother Sebastian clearly is! Perhaps we need more wine. Do we need more wine?"
Cullen looked around, trying to look less confused than he was. Obviously Sebastian had said something objectionable, but he couldn't imagine what it was. Was the 'splendid spread' a double-entendre? "I rather think we need less wine. Several Orlesians look like they could dry out a bit, not to mention Brother Sebastian," he muttered to Anton, still holding his chin up, and trying to remember he was there to represent the Order.
"More wine and they'll notice less when I move you out of their reach," Anton pointed out, quietly, before calling to one of the servants to bring out fresh bottles.
On a similar line of thought, Anders wrapped an arm around Artemis's shoulders. "Perhaps it's time to adjourn to anywhere other than here," he suggested to Fenris. "I think it's time to remove the temptation, and perhaps to have a quiet conversation about what in Andraste's name is going on, here."
Artemis looked longingly at the bottles of wines being passed around, but Fenris moved to block his line of vision. Artie let the two men steer him out of the room. "I think my old room is still available," he said in a loud whisper. "Or we could steal Cormac's." Cormac's bed would smell like him, and he liked the idea of being surrounded by all three of them. Assuming sexytimes were in his future, which he did.
Natia cleared her throat and moved closer to Cormac, close enough to 'accidentally' brush her breast against his arm when she reached for another Fereldan sausage. "Assuming they leave your room alone," she said, "I don't suppose you have any plans for it? Because I have a few ideas, most involving what I am sure is a very comfortable bed." She wrapped her lips around the sausage in what she hoped was a sexy fashion for humans. "Ideas involving you," she hastened to add, unsure if that part had been clear.
Gytha didn't choke, but she paused, mid-drink, wine pooling on her tongue.
"Well, ladies," Cormac said, addressing both of them, "I'm usually open to suggestions. But, Izzy will tell you I can be a little difficult."
"I'm surprised your ass stays shut at all," Gytha cracked, finally getting the wine down. "I've seen the Pillar of Passion."
"But, it's such a sweet pain," Cormac purred, with a smug smile. "Makes my toes tingle just thinking about it. If you want to get me naked, I hope you're ready to make me bleed." The genuinely excessive amount of wine he'd had made this sound like it might almost be a good idea. He figured it was what he got for matching Artie down a few bottles. They'd neither of them been drinking like they used to, lately, and it had definitely taken a good deal less to put him in an agreeable state of mind. Not that he'd necessarily have been disagreeable, sober. But, if Artie was going to vanish into an upstairs room with Anders, then Cormac had obviously been left to fend for himself, and he didn't see Isabela anywhere.
"Bleed?" Natia's eyes rounded. "I didn't take you for the tied up and spanked sort."
"Good, because I'm not," Cormac replied, pouring himself one more glass of wine. "I just like the bite of metal on my skin and the smell of my own blood." If that didn't put her off, maybe this wasn't such a bad idea, he thought.
Natia leaned back, eyeing him less like a piece of meat and more like she was taking his measure. Gytha could all but see the scales she was weighing in her mind. "You can't be serious," she said, waiting for a refusal that was taking longer and longer to come.
Natia shrugged. "Can't say I've tried it before," she said. "Can't say I've wanted to either, but." The same went for humans in general, she supposed. She tilted her head, first one way, then the other. "Tell me what you like, and I'll see what I can do." That sultry smile was back on her lips. "Your room's this way?" She pointed in the direction the trio had gone and started to back towards it.
Gytha's mouth hung open.
Cormac looked at his drink, looked at Gytha, and shrugged. "You want to come along?" he asked, following Natia toward the stairs.
As sure as Gytha was that the answer should be no, she trailed along, curiously, interested to see if Cormac was just joking. Having seen Anders in the nude, though, she sort of doubted it.
Across the room, Bethany watched her brothers disappear up the stairs. "They're always like this," she told Varania. "Any minute, Anton and Cullen will sneak off into the coat closet, in honour of their first tryst. And they all act like I don't know." She shook her head.
"And my brother married into this?" Varania asked, perhaps a little surprise around the edges of her eyes.
"Your brother is so in love with my brother, I think he would've married into the Qun." Bethany laughed and took another slice of Nevarran blood sausage. "And my brother… well, you know, they got off to a rough start, but I don't think there's anything he wouldn't do. It's sweet, really. Stupid, but sweet."
