[ Master Post ]
Title: Rhapsody in Ass Major – Chapter 319
Fandom: Dragon Age
Characters: Varric ♂, Isabela ♀, Fenris ♂, Gytha ♀, Anders ♂
Rating: T (L2 N0 S0 V0 D1)
Warnings: Dick jokes, weaponised dildo
Notes: Trouble in paradise! Bandits in the dildo shop! (The Page Six referenced in this chapter is A Hopeful Development in Mage-Templar Relations by RedEris. The Gazette is still accepting Page Six submissions, if you’d like to add to the madness.)
Varric was in the middle of his third pint, cheeks sore from laughter as he read aloud the newest Page Six story to the crowd — Carver would kill him for this, but it would be worth it — when the door to the Hanged Man slammed open. He and his audience looked up… and then down, spotting a wild-eyed Gytha in the doorway. She pointed at Varric with a — was that a dildo?
"You," she said. "A word."
Varric held up his hands in surrender, wondering what he’d done this time to deserve a stone phallus in his face. "Sure, sure," he said. "Izzy, wanna take over? The end of this story’s the best part."
With a grin, Isabela took the broadsheet from Varric and climbed onto the table, clearing her throat and squaring her shoulders as though preparing for a great speech. Varric led Gytha and her weapon of choice back to his suite.
"So, I’m assuming you’re not here to insert that into any of my orifices. I mean, you’re a beautiful woman and all, but that’s not really my thing." Varric looked even more nervous as he noticed what looked like half-dried blood on the end of the dildo.
"What?" Gytha finally noticed what she was holding. "Oh. No. First thing I grabbed, when they came busting into the shop. They’re after your… whatever that is."
"Who is?" Varric’s eyes cleared, darting up from the dildo to meet Gytha’s.
"I don’t know. Can’t say I stopped to ask, once they started swinging. They wrecked my stock! I’m just glad they didn’t ruin any of the equipment. I’ve got one of the guard watching the place, now, but you need to do something about this! I can’t have thugs busting up my business, because they want your weird lyrium!" Gytha grabbed the corner of the tablecloth and wiped the blood off the dildo, before tucking it into her belt.
Varric wiped a hand over his face. Shit. Someone was after that blighted shard? Had Bartrand told someone about it? Someone else, anyway?
Still didn’t explain how they’d know to search Gytha’s. "I’m sorry, Gytha. I’ll make sure the mess is paid for, both in a metaphorical sense and in a very real, monetary sense. Is the shard safe to move?"
Gytha nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Tucked away in a lyrium crate, as though it weren’t some weird, mutant lyrium. You should be able to get it out without touching it."
Varric picked up Bianca from where he’d set her against the wall. "Then let’s go get it. Unless you want a drink first?"
Gytha’s eyes were still a little too wide, but she shook her head. "Drink later. You’re buying."
"I need to get some friends, if we’re going to do this right. I don’t want to go barging in half-cocked if this is a full-cocked occasion. A shop full of cocks occasion." Varric made his way down the stairs, only to spot Fenris standing by the bar. "Hey, Broody, you run out of wine again?"
"Whiskey, actually. Artemis and I served the last of it, just the other night. To our guests. It has not all gone down my husband, whatever you might think." Fenris looked less than entirely amused with everything, but it wasn’t like he ever looked happy.
"So, have the whiskey sent on. I need your help with something." Varric clapped the elf casually on the back, and Fenris glared down at him.
"Why do I think I’m going to regret this?"
"Because you could find a reason to regret a blowjob." Varric shrugged. "Come on, I just need somebody to stab a few people for me. You know Gytha. I brought her to your wedding. A lovely girl with a fine shop, and there are some unpleasant personages trying to steal something — which belongs to me, by the way — from her shop. She had to fight them off with nothing but a dildo."
"And you would like me to stab these unpleasant personages with something more substantial than a dildo, if they return." Fenris continued to look unimpressed, blinking at Varric a few times, slowly. "This sounds like a problem for the city guard."
"It’s Lowtown. Do you know how thin the guard are in Lowtown, right now? Of course you do. They’re all afraid of retaliation from the templars." Varric sighed and slapped a pouch onto the bar. "Look. I’ll even pay for the whiskey. I’ll pay for it even knowing how your husband drinks."
Fenris considered telling Varric that his husband didn’t drink quite so much these days, but not telling him meant more whiskey for him. "Do I want to know what you have at Gytha’s shop that you’re willing to pay me in whiskey?" He looked askance at Varric even as he took the bottle Corff set in front of him.
Varric looked around and leaned in conspiratorially. "You remember my brother and the shard we found in his house?"
Fenris’s eyebrows crept up, the wary look quickly turning to one of horror. "You…? At her…?" He pointed at Gytha.
And then Varric realised where Fenris’s mind had gone. He waved his hands frantically. "Whoa! No, not for that! Just for storage! Gytha’s good with handling lyrium, so I asked for her help."
Fenris’s ears twitched. Gytha and lyrium. Yes, he was familiar with that. "That is a relief. But after those images… still worth a second bottle." He gestured at Corff, who nodded, turning to get another bottle of whiskey.
Varric groaned and slapped a few more coins onto the counter. "You’re a pricey date, elf."
Fenris saluted him with one bottle and snatched up the other. "Sorry, Varric. I’m married."
Spotting a familiar glint of metal, at the far corner of the bar, just a little off where he’d left her, really, Varric pounded twice on the bar and whistled. "Come on, Rivaini! You can play with all the pretty things, later. We’ve got a dildo shop to save!"
"Save?" That got Isabela’s attention. "Pardon me, boys, I have to go rescue some fine dwarven shafts." One step in the centre of the table carried her over it, and after a bit of hip-swinging to clear the path, she fell in beside Varric. "Ooh! And some very talented elven swordsmanship, too!"
Fenris just rubbed his face and sighed.
"It’s never going to happen, Izzy. Give the elf a break." Varric laughed, heading for the door, and leaving the rest of them to follow. "Just one more stop. Not really on the way, but I feel like we might want the healer along, in case of any … dildo-related misfortune."
"What’s going on?" Isabela whispered to Gytha, as she followed Varric out, one hand darting out for a quick pinch to Fenris’s decidedly pillowy ass.
"Someone broke into my shop," Gytha told her. "I beat them off with this." She pulled out the dildo in her belt, getting her odd looks from passers-by.
"Ooh, the Pillar of Passion!" Isabela cooed. "Good choice."
Fenris looked at the sky and shook his head. One drink. All he’d wanted was one drink.
As they descended in Darktown, Gytha sketched in the details of what happened, occasionally gesticulating with her ‘weapon’. Varric also had to assure Izzy that, no, he hadn’t left the shard with Gytha for that.
Between patients, Anders spotted the three in his clinic doorway. He looked them up and down, checking for blood, bruises, tears in their clothes. Gytha had a bruise starting along her jaw, but otherwise everyone seemed in one piece. He reached for a healing spell as he asked, "What did you break this time? Or, conversely, what do you plan to break?"
"For once, we were not the ones doing the breaking," Varric answered. "Ask her." He pointed at Gytha, who jumped at the tingle of healing magic against her jaw.
Anders squinted at the dildo, as Gytha explained the situation. "Is that my—?"
"It was the first thing I grabbed!" Gytha groaned. "Although it really is pretty weighty. Get some nice whomp out of this one, and it’s not quite big enough to get unwieldy. It’s a nice size."
Anders turned bright red and coughed, turning to toss a few potions into his bag, before he picked it up. "Is anything serious? Is there anything I need to take care of, before the morning?" he called out, still facing the cupboard. No one responded. "Is there anything very small? Everyone with something that isn’t a sickness stand together."
Blue lines danced across Anders’s skin, as he turned around to face… nearly all the patients he had left. An assortment of cuts and bruises, minor breaks. Nothing he’d feel bad about mass healing. Blue light rose up from beneath the group, spilling out between them, and after a moment, it faded out, and their injuries with it. "I have to go take care of something. If anything urgent comes through, go get Cormac and send a runner to Gytha’s stoneworks for me."
His assistant nodded solemnly, and Anders followed the group back up into Lowtown. He didn’t need to ask about the pair of bottles Fenris carried, not after hearing the story.
From the outside, Gytha’s shop looked the same, a discreet store-front with a sign that read ‘Gytha’s Stoneworks’ in intricate, interweaving letters. But just inside, the store was a mess. Display shelves had been knocked off the walls, dildoes of every shape, size, and make scattered across the floor. Fenris looked down at his bare feet, then at the sea of dildoes, and sighed. He wondered if it would be gauche to open a bottle of whiskey.
Gytha threw up her hands. "You see?"
"This is a travesty," Isabela said with great sadness in her eyes.
"Like I said," Varric told Gytha, "I’ll make sure this is taken care of. Promise. And now you have two witnesses to make sure it happens."
"Thanks, Varric," Gytha said, but her shoulders still sagged. "The shard’s over here."
"If it’s safe where it is, leave it there, for now," Anders suggested, trying to fill the upper shelves from memory. He was the tallest one there, after all, and he spent enough time in this place.
"Horse before dragon," Gytha called out from behind him. "Can the rest of you just help me sort these into piles?"