Title: Rhapsody in Ass Major – Chapter 56
Fandom: Dragon Age
Characters: Artemis Hawke ♂, Cormac Hawke ♂, Anders ♂, Fenris ♂, Isabela ♀, Varric ♂
Rating: T (L2 N0 S0 V0 D1)
Warnings: A wizard’s staff’s got a knob on the end, and other dick jokes
Notes: An interlude involving a ‘knob’. For Artie’s ‘staff’. *coughs*
It was that night of the week again, when most of them got together to play Wicked Grace with Varric. The roster changed a little every week. Sometimes Anders was working late, sometimes Aveline had to sort out scheduling conflicts, everyone had other shit that got in the way, from time to time, but on any given Grace Night, most of them would be in the room at the same time. Varric watched a silent conversation between Cormac and Artemis, over the table, with Cormac suggesting Artemis might want to talk to Anders about something. Well. That would be why that conversation wasn’t happening out loud.
Anders took his cue from Cormac, getting up like he meant to get a drink, which he’d arrived conspicuously lacking, and heading out of the room.
Artemis watched Anders leave the room and turned back to give Cormac a suspicious look before getting up. And thank the Maker for that. He had another losing hand, and at this rate, Fenris was going to end up owning the house for real.
He found Anders waiting for him by the bar, wearing a disconcertingly large smile and holding a package.
"If this is about the smalls," Artemis said slowly, "you can keep them. Not sure if they’re your colour though."
"They’re not my colour, but they are Cormac’s. Just not his size." Anders grinned a little too wide, offering the package. "But, no. I’m not giving them back. But, I thought since you were kind enough to leave me a present, I’d get you one."
Upstairs, Varric folded and excused himself for a trip to the little dwarves’ room. Passing through the bar, he spotted Anders and Artemis, and an unusually-shaped package changing hands. This was worth an extra minute or two.
"I have to tell you," Artemis said, cautiously tearing the paper, "if it’s a corset, I already have one."
Varric was already glad he’d paused. He caught a glimpse at whatever Artemis was holding, before the younger mage made a choked sound in the back of his throat and hurried to rewrap it.
"Hoo, Maker, that’s a penis!" he blurted, laughing nervously. His face blushed so hard it looked painful. He frowned and peeked under the wrapping again. "Wait a minute. That’s your penis."
"Well, you like my magic wand so much, I thought I’d get you your own." Anders smiled wickedly. "It’s made of jade, because jade makes me think of you. And the shape is so you’ll think of me. It’s a little smaller. Jade isn’t nearly as flexible as I am."
And that was going in the next book. Hot damn. Varric might have missed the rest of the exchange but ‘that’s a penis’ came through loud and clear. Well, well. And Cormac knew about it, too. Cormac, therefore, was the one to ask. The third party to these events. An interested third party, to some degree, on both sides, one being his brother and the other being his… whatever the shit they weren’t calling each other, these days, that everyone but them knew actually meant boyfriend.
Artemis carefully rewrapped the dildo, face scrunching in a way that meant he was either about to laugh or cry, maybe a bit of both. "And Cormac knows about this." It wasn’t a question. "Of course he does. And now I have my very own, er, ‘Magic Flagpole’. I’m… touched, Anders. Really. Deeply touched."
"You will be," Anders quipped, and the sound that Artemis made was definitely a laugh.
The younger Hawke coughed into his fist and waved at the bar with his package. Anders’s package, apparently. "Drinks? I need a drink. So badly."
"Don’t drink too much, or you’ll end up doing questionable things with questionable poles. I’m sure Fenris wouldn’t be too thrilled. Doubly so if it was my pole." Anders followed Artemis the last few steps to the bar and then rested his chin on Artie’s shoulder. "Although, I’ve heard he might not mind Cormac’s."
Anders straightened up and slapped a few coppers on the bar, ordering his usual spice tea.
Varric didn’t know what Anders whispered into the boy’s ear, but it had to be a doozy, if it made Artemis’s eyes bug like that. He’d never heard someone order a bottle of rum so fast or so desperately in his life. By the time Artemis got his order, Varric had wandered off in the direction of the toilets.
Back in the suite, Anders sat down with a smug smile on his lips. He winked at Cormac as he picked up his cards, and Fenris narrowed his eyes at them both when his mage returned with an oddly shaped package in one hand, a bottle of rum in the other, and his cheeks burning red.
"What’s that?" Isabela asked, peeking curiously at the package, which Artemis promptly sat on to hide from view.
"Nothing," Artie said much too hurriedly. "Just a… souvenir."
Cormac couldn’t quite hide his smile behind his cards. "Mage thing. You wouldn’t understand."
"I’m sure Fenris has an amazing understanding of ‘mage things’, by now." Anders smirked into his tea. "But, you, Izzy? Oh, there’s so much more than just a little spark."
"Oh, I understand your mage thing just fine, sparklefingers. I understand I could hoist a sail on it and probably get to Llomeryn from here," she cracked.
Somehow, Artemis managed to turn an even deeper shade of red. He kicked his brother’s shin under the table just to get him to stop smiling like that. And, all right, sitting on the thing really was not the best solution, but he’d panicked.
"It’s… it’s just something I need for my mage staff," Artemis said haltingly, only to cringe and sputter. "A-a component. Magical. Yes."
"The knob at the end," Anders added, matter-of-factly.
Fenris squinted at all of them, claws tapping at his cards. He looked at Artemis and opened his mouth to say something, but Artemis shook his head. Fenris sent him a questioning look. Artemis mouthed ‘later’.
Cormac had his head down on the edge of the table, cackling hysterically, tears in his eyes dripping down into his lap. "Well, you know what they say about wizards’ staves," he wheezed.
Artemis kicked him again under the table.