Title: Ask a Stupid Question; Get a Surrealist Answer
Fandom: All of them
Characters: Any I’ve ever written
Rating: Depends on what you ask, now doesn’t it?
Warnings: I take no responsibility for what gets asked. I only take responsibility for our answers to it.
Notes: So, with all the things I ported over from my old archives, I never moved the Ask A Stupid Question thread. Here it is, in all its witless glory. You can ask anything you like, about anything I’ve written, and you can ask either me, as the author, or you can ask any character in the fic you’re asking about. Post format, et al, behind the cut.
Name: Test Object
About fic: The Owl and the Violin
Question: Are you and Ko going out?
Mousie sez: W—what!? Uh, WHAT? No, really… I … Jesus, no. That’s … I don’t even … No. Go wash your eyes out with soap, and lend me the brain bleach, when you’re done.
Asking: Kotetsu & Izumo
About fic: Corybantic Dance Original
Question: What first attracted you to each other?
Kotetsu sez: Seriously, we’ve been best friends since… since… You know something? I don’t even remember. Kitten, do you remember? It doesn’t even matter. There is no "first attracted". It’s just always been Izumo, for me — why would I ever need anyone else?
Of course if you asked me what I think is hot about him now… *folds hands in front of crotch and braces himself* It’s his incredible ass.
Izumo never answered this question.
About fic: Corybantic Dance Redux
Question: Why did Colin leave?
Quentin sez: … because I’m an asshole, and really not cut out for that relationship crap. Doesn’t matter what I think, I just don’t get to have one.
Mike sez: He’s lying through his teeth. It’s because the kid got tired of Q fucking around on him. Quentin likes his toys, and Colin wants something simple and stable. He’s a lot like me, really, but younger and angrier. And I want to make it clear I’m not saying that Q isn’t an asshole, because he is.
Viridian Doll interview (started in August 2010)
So, we’ll start out with an easy one: coffee or tea?
Severen: Tea. Wait, what kind of tea do you have?
Lir: In general, Sev. He drinks tea. I drink coffee, unless he’s making the tea.
Ebony: Wait, why is beer not an option? I drink beer.
Betty slaps him upside the head.
Ebony: Coffee. *whines* Ow, dammit.
Betty: I’m with Lir. It’s coffee, unless Sev’s making the tea.
Baron: *smirks* Tea. *grins and ducks Betty’s hand*
Betty: Boiled mushrooms don’t count, Baron.
Baron: Sure they do! It’s an herbal tea!
Severen: *groans* Next question.
Well, since we’re on the either-ors, boxers or briefs?
Lir: Boxers. Stage lights are really hot, and the last thing you need is something to make that worse.
Ebony: See this? This is why I don’t believe in underwear. The last thing I need is something to make me hotter… *eyes cross* Wait… That’s not —
Baron falls off the couch, laughing, and Severen rolls his eyes.
Severen: Sometimes you shouldn’t use words, Arkady. And I’m not answering this one. Go ask Sin.
Betty: Jesus, E— Ebony. Your mouth.
Baron: *finally stops cackling and wheezing* B—briefs. The ladies love a tightly wrapped package.
Lir: And he’d know… *shakes his head*
Betty: What do you think? Do you see where this skirt stops?
Obvious answer to an obvious question… I notice previous interviews have been noticeably silent on the subject of dating. You guys got anyone waiting for you, at home?
Severen: Well, you know about Singularity. He’s not going anywhere — not that I’d want him to.
Ebony: *gags* You two are just nauseating. All the time.
Severen: Yet, this never stops you from coming to dinner…
Betty: *giggles* Oh, stop. They’re so cute. Like an old married couple. I should be so lucky.
Baron: I dunno, Betty, I think you might have to stop hanging them from the ceiling if you want one to stick around.
Betty: What do I need with a boyfriend? I already have two children. *smacks Ebony and leans over to smack Baron*
Lir: *covers his mouth to stifle a laugh* She’s right. Those two… Hey, Baron, do you have the clap, again?
Baron: Nah, not since that one time in Minnesota. Who needs a girlfriend when you’ve got fans? And Severen, of course.
Ebony: *gapes* He means dinner! Severen cooks!
Severen: Of course he meant dinner. What else would he m— *looks traumatised* Oh, god, Arkady. I’m going to kill you for putting that image in my head.
Ebony: *coughs* Proxy…
Severen: Kill. You.
Okay! Adding that to the list of things I never wanted to think about! So, Severen cooks, eh? What do you think he cooks best?
Severen: I’m going to put my vote in for baked ziti. I think general consensus is that there are restaurants that could take a lesson from the way I make pasta.
Baron: Oh, man, are you talking about the one with the eggplant and the portobello? I ate that, and then I knew why Sin’s so in love with you. If I ever have a brain failure and get married, you have to teach my wife to make that.
Severen: I could just teach you…
Betty: Baron’s not allowed in the kitchen!
Ebony: Shit, don’t let him near a stove!
Lir: I’m going to move away from the consensus, here. No, not about Baron, about the ziti. I’m pretty sure the orange turkey was my favourite.
Ebony: The orange turkey was better with the coffee truffles, though. This man whips ass at chocolates. *points to Severen* Chocolate-dipped turkey in orange sauce. It was an accident, yeah, but it was fantastic.
Severen: This is exactly why other people aren’t allowed in my kitchen, while I’m cooking. I end up doing things like spilling hot ganache on part of the turkey.
Betty: I’ll give you the truffles, but I still make better cannoli.
Severen: *sits bolt-straight* You do not. I believe I am hearing a challenge. My kitchen, this weekend.
Betty: And I’ll mop the floor with your Limey-ass cannoli.
Severen: Glass houses, frog-princess. Sin might give you the tarts and the brownies, but I still get the cannoli.
Lir: Those two get a little crazy about the desserts. Sev’s got dinners cornered, and Betty’s got a solid win on baked stuff, but once you move away from either of those, they get a little catty.
Ebony: A lot of catty.
Severen: I am not catty!
I’m guessing an offer to photo the catfight isn’t going to win me any admirers, here, so let’s talk about music. What do you listen to? What do you count as influences?
Betty: *elbows Lir* You should start.
Lir: *smirks balefully at Betty* She means I should tell you that I started out as a classical guitarist, before I got into flamenco. You know, Pedro Peña and Diego de Morón, that sort of thing. As far as popular stuff goes, Tom Petty, Queen, Warren Zevon…
Ebony: *sings off-key* I lay my head on the railroad tracks…
Lir: Yeah, I always thought that was Baron’s theme song.
Ebony: Nah, he comes out laughing. I don’t…
Lir: How’s your leg?
Ebony: *pushes Betty against the couch and kicks Lir in the shoulder, across her* About like that.
*Lir and Baron laugh*
Ebony: Yeah, so he’s a freak. I was really into Queen, too. Good stuff. And Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper, Judas Priest, The Damned… ah… Aerosmith, Joy Division, the Circle Jerks… Lots of punk and metal. But, I never really had the muscle to back up the oi.
Betty: That’s what he had me for. Yeah, we were right there, together. Patti Smith, The Clash, The Ramones, Iggy Pop — he’s a fuckin’ genius.
Ebony: Iggy fuckin’ Pop. I’d go gay for that, even if I would catch everything Baron’s ever had.
Betty: And, y’know, later, there was Siouxsie, the Sisters, Bauhaus…
Ebony: We kinda crawled out of the gutter on their coattails.
Baron: Later, they say. I’m kind of the baby, here, so that was right up in my years. I was all over The Cure — pop-Goth music and slopped up New Wave fashion… Not that there was really New Wave, at the time. Well, there was, but I don’t think anyone was calling it that, yet. I was into The Replacements, Talking Heads, Blondie, Gary Numan… Some sharp-dressed people playing weird music.
Lir: Hey, Sev, you sleeping, over there?
*Severen offers the single-finger salute*
Lir: This guy came to try out for the band, and he offered to sing Leonard Cohen. So, I told him to give us some Paul Anka, instead, and he did. I don’t even know, with Sev, some days…
Severen: I said I’d do the Sisters, but I was better at Leonard Cohen.
Baron: And Bowie. You do a wicked Bowie.
Severen: And how is it that none of you managed to mention Bowie, until now?
Betty: Because you don’t talk about breathing, either. Bowie’s just obvious. The sky is blue and David Bowie is god. Okay, no, David Bowie is fighting Sin for the title of One God, but Bowie might be winning, this week.
Severen: For one day, Betty — one day — can you stop being hopelessly in love with my fiancée?
Betty: Mmm, no. Sorry, hon, he’s just that fabulous. Were you going to answer the question?
Severen: Nick Cave is a genius. Tom Waits is an asshole. Leonard Cohen reminds me that, yeah, I really do hate people. Sorry, Betty, I know the office is going to throw a shit about that, but I do. I love Beethoven; I like Wagner. I can do Paul Anka, because Sin is such a fan of that entire era of music. I used to sing ‘Put Your Head On My Shoulder‘, when we were in college, and he’d curl up on the couch with me. I like music that crawls up out of the bottom of everything that’s wrong with mankind, and rubs your face in the suffering. It’s a good reminder that just because I’m famous, now, it doesn’t mean I can’t fall back into that hole. And, on that note, credit to Trent Reznor. He crawled up out of obscurity around the time we did, and he’s really got a handle on the bitter and the nasty. We’re… a little too silly to do that shit, which is probably a good thing, ’cause Arkady and I would spend a lot more time in the hospital.
Ebony: You, sir, are a bag of dicks. Not just a dick, but a whole fucking potato sack full.
Severen: Ladies and gentlemen, that’s my best friend.
Well, then… I suppose we’ll open the floor to questions from the audience…
We know that Severen cooks, and Betty bakes and mothers Ebony & Baron. What other hobbies do you all have when you’re not playing music or sleeping?
Severen: Well, my other thing was always Renaissance lit. Sometimes I go to plays with Lir and the — with Lir and Betty. One of the local companies did a fantastic Duchess of Malfi, the other year. I’m just glad we were in town for it.
Lir: You’re forgetting living room karaoke, but that probably counts as music. Sometimes we all go over to Sev’s and get drunk and sing stupid songs.
Severen: I’m still not over the time I woke up to you and Sin and Baron singing Cat Black. No shit, I come down the stairs, and Lir’s on my couch with his guitar, and Baron and Sin are dancing.
Baron: Hey, he’s a good dancer. Besides, what am I going to do, bring a girl to your house? That’s not ever going to happen. Me, I spend a lot of time crashed on Betty’s couch, since Ebony moved in to the other bedroom.
Betty: He means he spends a lot of time in rehab. That always ends on my couch.
Baron: That’s not all I do! Sometimes, I DJ a little, in the off-season. There’s a local club — I went to school with the default DJ. Sometimes he lets me pick up a set, when he wants a night off.
Ebony: He’s actually pretty good. Once in a while, he can actually drag me out of the house, but I’m usually drinking beer, reading comics, and recovering from the last horrible idea I dated. Betty, don’t let me do that, anymore.
Betty: Sweetie, I’ve been trying to save you from yourself for decades. You never listen to me.
Ebony: *raises an eyebrow* I think it was Severen who made the point about attention spans and sucking cock.
Betty: Dearling-doll? Don’t think I won’t hurt you. You, me, and the rack are gonna have nice chat, later.
Ebony: Promise? *cocks a thumb at Betty* She does some suspension shows and stuff, in the off season, when she’s not up to her eyeballs in our promo shit. — I really don’t understand why you don’t let Caro handle that, sweets. — When she can catch me not-drunk, I’ve got a tendency to let her hang me up, on stage, and smack me with stuff. It’s better than the shit the last four exes put me through.
Severen: Arkady, I’d be happier if you just gave up on ever having a stable relationship and went out and got the clap, like Baron.
Lir: Next question, please!
Let’s get a bit deeper now. What are your spiritual or philosophical beliefs?
Severen: *looks nervously behind him*
Betty: Don’t worry, Sev. You left Sin at home.
Baron: Thank god. Man, you don’t know… That guy is singularly unstoppable when it comes to … uh … what the fuck does he always say?
Severen: Social constructions of morality?
Baron: Yeah. That.
Lir: Yeah, but he makes some really good points, if you can make it past the words he’s using. Anyway, me and Sev, we were both Catholic kids. *reaches out to Severen*
Severen: *fives Lir* Yeah, and that’s all I’m saying about my childhood. I think we both pretty much grew out of it, especially after the Latin mass went down the toilet.
Lir: That was really the only reason I kept going to church. Those people can be some seriously judgemental fucks, but I get the impression that that’s true of most people who are extremely religious, regardless of the type. I’d like to say I’m still Christian, though. Jesus was a good guy. His big thing was really ‘don’t be an asshole’, and I try to stick to that.
Severen: It’s because you had a pleasant middle-class life, growing up. Trust me. I’m really a survivalist, as fucked up as that sounds. My motivations usually involve me, my health, and my ability to see tomorrow. I’m a real Maslow’s Hierarchy kind of guy — meet the needs in the right order, and then worry about what your family needs. Fuck everyone else. And for the record, these guys are my family. *slaps Arkady on the back*
Ebony: *hugs Severen and grins sloppily* Aww, you do love me!
Severen: Yeah, I do. Get off me before I hurt you.
Ebony: *lets go and makes a dramatically offended face* SubGenius. Hail Bob and the power of Slack. Don’t fight shit, just don’t get in its way. And if you are in its way, fucking move. My dodge skills need a little work, though, where chicks are concerned. I’m a sucker for something as pretty as me, and while they’re not easy to come by, I need to stop being so fucking impressed when I find one.
Baron: You need to quit being offended by the idea of girls who aren’t going to call you or respect you in the morning.
Ebony: Yeah, I know. Hey, you remember that one time in Boston? We should do that again.
Baron: Only if Betty promises not to have me executed.
Betty: The answer is probably no… I try to think of myself as Neutral Good. There are things that need doing, and I do them, because leaving them to other people opens the way to fuckups. I don’t like fuckups… … Baron.
Baron: Hey, you know what? I don’t know what you think I did, this time, but I didn’t.
Severen: She sounds more lawful than neutral, until you see her methods. There’s no way that shit with the photos was lawful. Or that shit with the accountant. She does her job well, and I don’t ask questions. I don’t want to know.
Baron: Yeah, asking questions sometimes ends in things you’ll never be able to un-see. Me? I’ve just got three easy rules. Do what you will. Don’t get caught. Never assume anything. And going to rehab doesn’t count as getting caught, as long as you check yourself in.
What is your alcoholic beverage of choice?
Ebony: Beer! I think I’m going to see how many questions I can fit beer into the answer to.
Baron: You still drink like a pussy, Ebony. I like a lot of mixed drinks, as long as the mixer is at least 20 proof. I really prefer my alcohol undiluted. So, yeah, as fucked up as it may be, I’m gonna have to say 151 in blue Boone’s Farm. I think Ebony called it the Killer Smurf.
Ebony: You are not allowed to mix my drinks ever again. The end.
Lir: These two always laugh at me, but I like a good Manhattan. It’s a classic.
Betty: It’s really a toss up between Mean Greens and Amaretto Sours. I think I’ll have to say Amaretto Sours, though. They’re a little less sweet, and they go better with brownies.
Severen: Uh… I want to say straight Jameson, on principle. I’m a fan of Irish whiskey. But, I think the best thing I ever drank was … Okay, so we were in Montana. It was Montana, right?
Baron: If you’re talking about what I think you are, it was South Dakota.
Severen: Anyway, we got stuck in this little town, because the road flooded out, and I guess there was some kind of medieval reenactment camping thing going on, just up the road. They got flooded out, too, so there’s like a hundred people and us in this little hotel that doesn’t have anything like enough rooms. So, some of the people who didn’t get rooms started a party in the bar — and they came with their own food and drinks.
Baron: And dancing girls. Lots of dancing girls.
Ebony: Somewhere, there are pictures of me and Betty, still dressed from a show, bellydancing with some crazy people. They were really a lot of fun.
Severen: So, this girl comes through, asking after a bottle of brandy. Someone hands her one, and she pulls out a melted bag of raspberries and an equally melted bar of baking chocolate and squishes them into the bottle. And, somewhere in here, I get pulled into the circle of bottle-shaking. It gets passed around a few times, and then she gives it to me, to take the first drink.
Ebony: It’s because she wanted you to make sure it didn’t suck, before she inflicted it on someone she liked.
Severen: Lucky me. *rolls his eyes* Anyway, it’s definitely the best drink I ever had. No question.