Title: 5+1: Captain Squeaky
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Characters: Spock, Kirk, Miscellaneous background characters
Notes: Another one for the crackmeme. Anonymous(e) asked for "Five times Jim Kirk squeaked. And one time he made someone yelp."
One night, in a sleazy bar on Coridan, an Antarian cockroach met an unfortunate end on a wall, after being introduced to Spock’s fist. Jim Kirk’s drink met an equally unfortunate end, flipping several times in midair, before landing in his lap, as the captain squeaked in shock when that same fist missed his nose by mere millimetres.
"It moved, Captain. I couldn’t tell if it was dangerous. It is too dark in here," Spock explained, as if he’d done nothing at all unusual.
Jim buried his face in his hands, as the Andorian girl he’d been chatting up giggled and started flirting with Spock, instead.
The next time, it was absolutely not his fault. There was a tribble in his chair, and throwing himself into said chair, as he always did, he encountered the furry little beast in a most unpleasant fashion. That squeak echoed through the bridge as he leapt back up, swatting at the back of his pants and staring wildly at the bridge crew.
With the way the man stayed absolutely focused on his work, Jim was convinced that Spock was fucking with him.
The third time, he protested, had not been a squeak, but was, in fact, a hiccup. It was also the last time that Jim ate Klingon food, of his own volition.
After a brief conference with Uhura and two Klingon officers, Spock informed him that the context was irrelevant, and he had, in fact, squeaked in front of the Klingons. For the remainder of those negotiations, he was addressed as ‘Captain Squeaky’.
The fourth time was entirely excusable. Nurse Chapel had brought the Rafalian mice she’d picked up on shore leave back to the ship with her. Jim thought they were the cutest things he’d seen since the tribbles had possessed his brain, and he was scratching at the cage and sqeaking to get their attention.
Nurse Chapel found this display to be the the cutest thing she’d seen, up to and including the tribbles, and decided the only way it would be cuter was if that was Mr. Spock, instead of Captain Kirk. Spock merely noted the captain’s behaviour in his PADD, and eyed the rodents with a suppressed air of violent mischief.
The fifth time, he refused to admit to at all. He’d been staring out the window on the Observation Deck, counting stars and thinking of home, when Spock had snuck up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. With a small, surprised, ‘meep!’ he spun around, pasty-faced and crosseyed with shock, to confront … his first officer.
Spock’s eyebrows threatened the bounds of his forehead, as he made a note in his PADD, before addressing the business he’d come down there for.
Jim was right about fed up with Spock’s distinctly illogical desire to make him squeak. Leaving the bridge, he caught the Vulcan in the turbolift, demanding to know what was so terribly amusing.
"I have no idea what you’re talking about, Captain," was the only reply, and Spock stepped out at his floor and moved to walk away.
Jim grabbed Spock’s hand, throwing his weight into it to spin his first officer back to face him. Spock turned, all right — spun right round with a horrified yelp, jerked his hand back, and backhanded the captain. "Don’t. Touch. My hands," he growled, turning again to head back down the corridor.
"So, you do make noise," Jim called after the retreating Vulcan, wiping the blood from his split lip. "Oh, the game’s on, now."