[ Sky – Master Post ]
Title: Little Birdie Flying By
Characters: Betty, Arkady, Baron, Lir, Severen
Warnings: Wordplay, bad puns, forkings, and expletives
Notes: I had to do it. Some of you may recognise parts of the conversation, because we were at those parties together… Penguins and Chains may be new to some of you, but they’re games best started without warning, in a group of like-minded people.
They were out at a diner, after a show — some no-name truck-stop between where they’d been and where they’d play tomorrow. Baron knew where they were going, next, and then it would be Lir’s turn to care. An assortment of truckers, greasy locals, and nearly-reptilian ladies of indeterminate age glanced at their booth, occasionally, with thinly veiled curiosity and disgust.
Lir was telling a story about a bet he’d lost, in college, but he was mostly propped up with caffeine, so he’d occasionally skip like a scratched record. "I couldn’t believe he did that. It was incredible. It was — It was like — It was a —"
Baron put on his best hick voice. "Screen door!"
Arkady made a masterful save, but coffee still dribbled down his chin, as he leaned forward, trying not to laugh hysterically. "Needs a good dickin’," he wheezed, after he finally managed to swallow what was left of the coffee.
Lir looked back and forth between the two of them, and then shrugged and deadpanned, "So, I just got my testicles laminated, the other day."
Arkady blinked in dumbfounded surprise and Baron roared with laughter, sliding down in the booth, as he cackled.
"Holy shit," Baron howled. "Best answer ever."
Arkady snorted. "Jesus. I don’t even know what to say to that."
Severen stole one of Arkady’s fries, and barely missed getting stabbed in the hand with a fork. "But, was it in a Taco Bell in Rio Rancho?" he asked Lir.
"With Doritos." Lir nodded, sagely, struggling with the grin that slowly spread across his face.
Betty finally put down her burger and daintily wiped her fingers on a napkin, before pointing to Arkady. "Four quintillion and change," she pointed to Lir, "in exact change," to Baron, "and a lip-piercing," to Severen, "with two English-speaking bunnies," she picked up the burger again, "for dinner. I still think that was the best one."
"I dunno," Severen said, shaking his head and sneaking another fry, much to Arkady’s irritation. "‘Marc Almond Joy of Cooking with gastrointestinal polyps’ is still my favourite."
"Didn’t we get kicked out of a restaurant for that one?" Betty asked, with her mouth full.
"Nah, that was ‘Polly wants a Cracker Jack ass sexual misconduct’," Lir corrected. "Same night, though."
Arkady was giggling so hard he had to put down his coffee. "Weathercock."
"Lobster," Lir offered, and then stopped cold, as Baron started cackling. "Fuck. I’m now officially too tired to think straight."
"Thinking straight is overrated," Betty reassured him. "Think gay. Sin tells me it’s much more fun."
Severen threw a napkin at her and stole another fry, while Arkady was distracted.
"Son of a bitch, Sev, get your own fries!" Arkady wailed, as he caught Severen putting the fry in his mouth.
"I don’t even want fries," Severen confessed. "I’m just annoying you, for my own entertainment."
"I have a fork, and I’m not afraid to use it," Arkady threatened.
"And I have a spoon —" Severen started, but Baron cut him off.
Severen grinned and held up the spoon. "A spoon."
Lir grabbed the spoon and stuck it in his vest. "There is no spoon."
"Goddammit!" Severen snapped, pointing the straw from his iced tea at Lir.
"It takes a village," Betty continued.
"Village of the Damned," Baron threw in.
"Damned if you do," Lir added, smirking at Severen.
Arkady washed down a mouthful of fries with his coffee. "Do over."
"Over the hill," Severen muttered.
"Hill? Hill?" Betty demanded. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Severen looked smug. "Goddammit takes a village of the damned if you do over the hill."
"Hildegarde." It was Betty’s turn to be smug.
"Garden gate." Baron didn’t even pause.
"Gateway drug." Lir smirked, and Baron laughed.
"Fuck you," Arkady grumbled.
"‘Fuck you’ doesn’t start with ‘drug’." Lir pointed out.
"Goddammit takes a village of the damned if you do over the Hildegarden gateway drug…" Arkady paused. "Dealer."
Severen stared intently at the fake wood-grain on the tabletop. "Dealer? I hate you."
"This is what you get for stealing my damn fries."
After another minute or two, Severen looked up. "Suicide. I’m calling it. I have no idea what comes next."
Betty looked down the table at Arkady and held up her hand. "You stumped Severen. Way to go."
Arkady fived her and grinned. "Hey, I’m not always stupid. But, you know, there was that one time…"
The conversation bled back into the normal range, which in no way lessened the suspicions of the other patrons. It was a diner night. Just like any other.