Title: Introducing Ralph
Fandom: ST XI
Characters: Kirk, Bones, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov
Warnings: Booze and angst. Also, revolting humour.
Notes: So, this is one of those cases of true story, fictional characters. Drunken shenanigans ensue, after the crew’s safe return to Earth. Spock wants none of it, Uhura gets offended, Scotty comes to the rescue, and Bones … well, Bones is unintentionally hilarious.
The party was loud, like parties had been loud, back at the Academy. They were home, on a world they hadn’t been sure would survive. Sure there were thousands of crewmen dead, a hero to the human race who was about to be court martialled, and half a fleet blown across space, in a billion tiny pieces, but that wasn’t relevant, at the moment. What was relevant was that these people and their planet had survived.
Jim Kirk was still wasted out of his mind from adrenaline, painkillers, and three days without sleep, but he’d never let a little thing like that stop him from getting drunk. Hell no. He leaned against the wall, for dear life, and chatted up anything that stood still long enough. Much to the amusement of his crew, this had inadvertently included Chekov. It wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t see straight! Chekov had turned bright red, and Scotty took pictures.
It would have been fine. It all would have been just fine, but Spock hadn’t been with them, for obvious reasons, and Uhura had. She’d tried to comfort him, but he put her off, again and again. He was still stunned stupid from the loss of his world and his mother, and when he asked to be left in peace, the crew just let him be. Except Uhura. It was a human thing to do, but she went to Spock, again, and he’d quietly called Jim and Sulu to take her away. He needed to be alone, so they took her out with the rest of the bridge crew. Everything was a little better with a beer, Sulu had insisted.
And here she was, four beers and a Manhattan later, shouting her head off that they were disrespecting Spock. He hadn’t been as lucky as they were, and here they were, drinking and laughing, and he was all alone with his suffering and loss. She’d had just enough that no one could impress upon her that when he said they should leave him alone, he meant it. The proof of the point was that she was with them.
It was Scotty who finally suggested they should get some coffee in her. She seemed to trust him more than anyone else in the room, which was an odd experience, for him, indeed, so he offered to take her to the local truck stop, on Jim’s motorcycle.
"Scotty," Jim said, handing over the keys, "if you wreck her, I’ll hurt you more than the road."
"Now, what kind of man d’you think I am, to let two lovely lasses get all scraped up?" Scotty snorted, grabbing the keys, and leading Uhura out.
It took another hour for the rest of them to decide that sober might be a thing to start heading toward. McCoy would drive, since he was the least drunk of those left, and he did so, with a great deal of complaining. He rattled off obscenity-laden statistics on drunk driving deaths, as the crew piled into his truck, and it was Jim, who finally slowed him up, a bit.
"You know, I’d say we should let the pilot drive, but I don’t think he could see a road sign if you hit him with one."
Bones sat quietly, for a long moment, before he started the truck, watching Sulu drool all over Chekov. "Jim, if I get us all killed, I want you to know it’s all your goddamn fault."
"Done!" Jim crowed, slapping the dash, "I can work with that!"
They’d made it about halfway to the truck stop, when Bones pulled over. "Hang on a minute," he said, opening the door and leaning out.
"Barf break," Jim said to the two in back.
A loud and oddly intelligible sound emanated from McCoy, before he sat back up. All three of his passengers were staring at him.
Jim started to laugh, covering his mouth and sliding down in the seat. Chekov blinked a few times. Sulu leaned between the front seats, with a question. "Did… did you just say ‘Ralph’?"
Jim laughed harder, and Chekov joined in.
Sulu asked again. "Did you seriously just say ‘Ralph’ when you ralphed?"
Chekov wheezed, laughing too hard to breathe.
"I have no idea what you’re talking about," Bones insisted, starting the truck again.
Miles later, they stumbled into the truck stop, where Scotty sat in a booth, with his arm around Uhura. Chekov grinned idiotically at them, and Sulu poked him in the side and said, "Ralph." Chekov grinned idiotically, Jim snorted, and Bones hailed the waitress and asked for coffee — for all of them.
Scotty studied them, suspiciously. "I missed something, didn’ I?"