Characters: Gekkou Hayate, Shiranui Genma, Namiashi Raidou, Hagane Kotetsu, Kamizuki Izumo, Mitarashi Anko, Yamashiro Aoba
Warnings: Pure crack, implications of violence, expletives
Notes: We saw many High School Alternate Universes. They were all poorly written. We decided to change that. Eventual GenHaya and KoIzu. Ywain would like to apologise for the bathroom scene.
Disclaimer: Naruto is not our toy, although sometimes we wish it was. Almost everyone you meet here belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, we just borrow them, occasionally. Hayate's parents, Gekkou Ken'ichirou and Gekkou Shizuka, belong to Sweetbriar, and Genma's mother, Shiranui Riza, is all Penbrydd's fault.
Author's Note: More cracky HSAU! Extra thanks to our awesome beta dansunedisco. Srsly. Thank you for putting up with our epic-length crackfic. The authors would also like to announce that IC Q&A sessions are now open! Want to know what our characters think about something? Ask them at the Wryly Fantarding Q&A panel for Corybantic Dance located at wrylyfantarding. livejournal. com / 5948. html
Warnings: Violence, expletives, eventual yaoi (KoIzu, KoIzuRai (more funny than sexy), GenHaya).
The next few days were largely uneventful, which was an immense relief to Hayate. For a day or so, he'd suffered a lurking paranoia that Genma or Raidou would jump him in the parking lot on his way home from school and drag him out to get milkshakes, but his suspicions proved groundless. If he was lucky at all, they'd have forgotten about him completely by now.
Much to his added relief, he managed to speed the hell away from the school before any vindictive bullies could even see him. He started to relax by the third or fourth day, because it looked like things were really starting to clear up for him. Maybe it just took a month or so to really adjust to a new town and a new school, he thought idly as he tapped his pen against his notebook in study hall. It was the first week of October and autumn was really starting to settle in — his favourite time of year, really, not only because his birthday was around the corner, but also because his allergies were starting to die down. That, and autumn was just a nice, calm time of year.
Hayate looked up at the clock in the cafeteria with a quiet sigh. Twenty minutes until the period ended. He had Biology next, but he'd already done all of his work for that, and that was his last period of the day. He tapped his pen against his notebook for another minute or so before getting to his feet and excusing himself to the bathroom. At least that way he could take a walk around the halls for a few minutes to pass the time.
He took the long way to the boys' room, stopping briefly to look at the art class displays in the cases. That month they were filled with ceramics projects — teapots, actually. Each teapot was crafted in a radically different style, with accompanying teacups to make a set. Hayate's expression was that of vague longing. He liked tea nearly to the point of obsession, and if the ceramics class at this high school let you make tea sets, then he wanted to take that class. Unfortunately, it was one of those classes that the seniors all grabbed first because it was apparently an easy A.
He finally shuffled into the bathroom, standing at the urinal at the far end. He coughed a few times and sniffled before unzipping his pants to relieve himself, thinking about ceramics class and what kind of teapot he'd make given the chance.
Suddenly shattering the quiet atmosphere, the bathroom door slammed open and a tall boy with longish brown hair rushed in, looking just a bit disturbed. "Oh, holy shit! My hair! What did that fucktard just do to my hair!?" Hayate turned his head automatically to see who it was, and just as soon went back to staring at the urinal. Oh crud — it was one of the guys who'd helped him out earlier that week. Genma Shiranui. Hayate didn't make a noise — didn't even cough. If he was lucky, then Genma would be too busy with his hair or whatever to notice, and wouldn't recognise him, and Hayate could finish pissing and get the hell out back to study hall.
Genma turned his back to the thin full length mirror on the far side of the room, trying to catch a glimpse of the back of his head. One of the exceptionally few things that could upset him was other people messing with his hair — and some asshole had just done exactly that. He finally noticed the lump of gum, and as he tipped his head down to try to work it out, he noticed something else, too. "Holy mother of god, kid, you're hung like a donkey. Who's the lucky individual who gets a piece of that?" He'd probably have drooled if he weren't so preoccupied with the gum. A few seconds later, it unstuck, taking some of his hair with it. He was going to dissect the asshole responsible… but, for the moment, he was content with the lovely distraction in front of him.
Hayate choked on his own breath at Genma's remark, his face burning up immediately. Genma had just — on his — had he just said what Hayate thought he'd just said? Genma was breaking some sort of bathroom etiquette, he was sure, because he felt entirely uncomfortable with some almost-stranger commenting on his junk like that. He immediately felt the urgent need to melt into a puddle on the floor and seep away through the cracks. He wanted to die just then.
Hayate finished pissing almost immediately and jerked his pants up, narrowly avoiding the sore misfortune of catching his dick in his fly. He made a mad dash for the bathroom door just as soon as he could, trying not to trip over the hems of his jeans or slip in the ambiguous puddles on the floor by the urinals. Time to get out. Now.
"I'm sorry. I just…sometimes my mouth gets away from me." Genma managed to stop before turning that sentence into an innuendo, and grabbed a paper towel to stick the gum to. He didn't look quite like the wholly-controlled, sex-driven animal he had the other day, and it might just have been that he was still rattled about his poor, unfortunate hair. He picked at the gum on his fingers with the paper towel, staring at his hands in fascinated disgust.
"It's okay!" Hayate managed to get out as he hurried out the door, and he prayed that Genma hadn't actually recognised him. As he flew past the art displays on his way back to study, he privately resolved never to use a urinal in a public bathroom, ever again.
Genma walked across backstage looking just a bit dazed and relatively well-amused with the state of his reality. Twice he'd run into that frosh, and he didn't even know the kid's name, yet. Frosh. That's the key word here. He muffled any attempt his conscience made to intrude upon the ideas that meandered through his mind…very, very bad ideas, and none of them involved any clothing, unless some clothesline counted.
Kotetsu swung down from the loft ladder, startling Genma out of his smutty reverie. "Well, you look right and freshly fucked."
"I only wish, man, I only wish." Genma sighed dreamily and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I noticed this kid in the john, today — totally an accident, you know? I wasn't looking. Anyway, he was just — it was —" Astonishment flared onto his face. "Some little slip of a black-eyed frosh, packing a cock you could crucify Christ on." He shook his head regretfully, hoping he'd still have a chance.
"Whose dick are we talking about here?" Izumo dropped his backpack on the floor as he came to stand by Genma and Kotetsu, leaning against the latter as he cocked a questioning eyebrow at Genma. "Sorry I'm late — chess club today. Where's everyone else?"
Kotetsu grabbed his best friend by the hair and licked his forehead, sloppily. "Costumes and makeup have the actors in the back. It looks like we're mostly doing fittings and props-checks, tonight. No big deal. Leaves us with piss-all to do, though."
Genma was back to speculating on how very, very good it could be to convince the frosh that fucking was a brilliantly good idea. He definitely knew what he wanted for Christmas, this year. He snapped back as Kotetsu punched him in the arm. "Hey, you've got a question. Don't leave us hanging!"
"Oh, I, ah…I don't know who he is. Just some frosh. He totalled his bike up the side of Rai's car the other day, and then I just saw him again, today. Some little slip of a thing. Coughs a lot. Huge black rings under his eyes." Genma shrugged. "Ring any bells?"
Izumo frowned slightly in thought for a moment. "Actually, yeah. About this tall, scruffy brown hair, always wears clothes I'd swear are way too big for him — kinda looks like he's on the verge of keeling over any second now, right?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Does he have a name?" Genma looked fidgety and pulled a chewed up pen out of his pocket and stuck it between his teeth.
"Wait, wait. Hold the phone." Kotetsu sniffed and waved his hands in front of his chest. "The legendary East High sex god has it for some little wheezy freshman?"
Genma just sort of glared, half-heartedly. "You know, a time comes in every man's life when exceptions must be made. I think I've just found my exception." He offered a saucy growl.
Izumo just raised an eyebrow at Genma. "Man, I don't know if you really want to do it with that kid. He's always sick as a dog." He reached over and flicked his finger at the pen in Genma's mouth, just for kicks. "I know him. Sort of. Well, not really. Kid's name is Hayate, Hayate…something, I don't remember his last name. He's in the chess club with me." He shook his head. "I swear, the kid's a fucking chess whiz. He just moved here this summer, but I guess he was regional junior champion or something crazy like that. Never really talks to anyone, though. I think he lives over on the South Side or something, but I'm not sure."
Genma rolled the pen irritatedly to the other side of his mouth, and Kotetsu promptly flicked it again. He grabbed Kotetsu in something like a headlock, pulled the pen out of his mouth, and drew a big, blue heart on the sophomore's forehead. Kotetsu flailed uselessly until Genma let go. "South Side…no shit." Kid probably only lived a few blocks from him, which was a little scary. No one knew where Genma lived except Raidou and Aoba. He tried to keep it that way. The South Side wasn't exactly considered a nice place to live — point in fact, it was more or less the poor man's town. He had a reputation to keep up. "Hayate, huh? I'll have to remember that, just to surprise him, next time. Maybe I'll get lucky. Finally get to say I fucked a chess champion."
Kotetsu opened his mouth to say something obscene about fucking chess champions, but Izumo cut him off. "Yeah, and you'll get some weird ass disease as your souvenir, I bet. I'm telling you, that kid must be the unhealthiest-looking thing to grace this earth. Nobody really likes sitting too close to him — I mean, I don't mind, but everyone else — but I don't think he cares. Anyway, I don't think he's too interested in people. He's really quiet."
"Pfft." Genma waved his hand dismissively. "It's me. I'm not going to catch anything. I'm healthy as a horse." He considered the rest of the statements for a bit. "Not interested in people, really quiet, and nobody likes him, either? Oh, this one is all mine. I can teach him how to fuck me just the way I like it and I'll never have to worry about someone else stealing the results of all my kind and forward-thinking tutoring. It does not get better than this."
Kotetsu was stunned stupid, and just stared at Genma, sort of disgustedly for a moment. "You — you're not serious, are you? I mean, sure you're a sick fuck and all, but…" He reflexively wrapped his arm around Izumo's waist. Izumo just sort of patted his hand and gave Genma a generally disapproving look — it was one he pulled off well.
"Give the poor kid a break, Genma. Don't go fucking him up just so you can have a private sex toy." He rolled his eyes, shaking his head, and looked at Kotetsu. "Five bucks he'd catch some sort of super rare STD."
"Dude, it's him. There's no way. You're on." Kotetsu laced his fingers with Izumo's, catching his friend's hand mid-patting.
"Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with Kotetsu's assessment, here. Count me in for five on 'not'." Genma smirked at Izumo. "Fucking him up? That I doubt. I can't think of anyone who's been wronged by some good old-fashioned consensual sex. I think the kid definitely needs a good dicking. Besides, if he were my 'private sex toy', as you so lewdly put it, wouldn't that sort of make it a 'relationship'?" He traced the quotes in the air with his fingers. "What do I need with all the rest of the losers in the world if I've got what I want most at home?"
"Hey, no one invited you in on this bet, jackass." Izumo reached over to tug the pen away from Genma. "Besides, if he's not going to be your private sex toy, then what the hell is he going to be?"
"Whatever the fuck he wants to be, I think." Genma stuffed his hands back into his pockets, completely spacing the pen. "Kid's got a will of his own, and he does use it, even if only in fear. Got my interest, though, that's for sure. I just have to figure out how to be more sexy and less threatening."
Izumo just shook his head. "Ah, what the fuck ever. I'm hungry. Anyone else hungry? I say we go for a dinner break and we make Aoba pay, because I don't have any money on me today." He glanced back at Kotetsu, giving his best friend's hand a squeeze. "Or you could be awesome and spot me."
Kotetsu whispered something into Izumo's ear — something extraordinarily obscene to judge by the reaction. A smirk crept across Izumo's face, bleeding out into an uncontrollable grin, filled with promise and innuendo.
Genma just stared at the two of them for a long moment. "Hey, you know what? You two go off and do…whatever. I'm not all that hungry."
"Ooh, Genma, are you so struck by the potential for unattainable, oversized cock that it's deprived you of your appetite for anything else?" And now, Kotetsu was just being rude. Mostly because he could.
"Die in a fire, Kotetsu." Genma rubbed a hand across his face, tiredly. Maybe he'd just sneak home tonight — ditch the rest of the useless rehearsal and go read a nice novel or something.
Izumo just shook his head, though he couldn't quite wipe the half-grin that still tugged at his mouth off his face. "Ahh, fine, whatever. Come on, Ko, let's go round up the rest of the crew and hit up the diner or something. I'm starving."